Hey everyone last year i had the shock of a life time.

Ok so i had a huntch my body was tying to tell me something i was in bed really early and was constantly tired and moody all the time but just thought with being a dairy farmer and being that time of year of cows having there babys and everything that i was over working myself by doing long hours after a couple of weeks and numerous days i decided i would do a test and thats when my whole world turned upside down i thought nothing would come of this im not pregnant ect i made myself a coffee and sat down and prepared my self for it to be negative but i got that wrong big time it came back positive never in my whole life have i felt that excited about being a first time mum i cryed and was so happy i went back to work and told my partner i have some news and he said what news i said ur going to be a dad he didnt take it like i expected i think was as shocked as i was things were going well hcg levels were going up as they were supose to. Then one morning i got up went to work like normal and milked the cows but one got a fright and kicked me and afterwards i didnt think anything of it untill a couple of days latter i started bleeding i straight away and called my mum as u do she advisted that i maybe be misscarraging and to go the doctor so i took her advise and went they told me it could be a misscarrage and just to moniter it and see what happens then 3 days later a small looking egg sack apperd i knew instantly this was my baby and i was heart broken. I want to know why me why couldnt it be someone else i loved this baby and connect and bonded with this tiny life that had no heartbeat i was going into denial. Shortly a few months later after losing the first one I was pregnant again and thought no this must be a mistake but after taking multiple test they all were pisitive and just like the first one everything was going perfectly hcg levels were going up. Then after 3 weeks i had a turn for the worst i got my bloid test results back they had gone from 12000 to 3000 rapid drop and i knew all over again i had list another life this one a little more further along in pregnacey and this time i went into depression found it hard to accept my friend who was 7weejs and git very angrey and upset but she knew why. and i was worried that this had happened again and again if i was going to become pregnant again so i keept positive and thought i will give myself a year to healthy and to repair my mental health and let my body do its thing.

I am so greatfull to have not become a mum once but twice and unfortunate as it was im glad my body was able to reject them as obviously there wasnt something right with them and so greatfull to know that they were loved no matter the size or how far i was along and to also know i have 2 angel babys waiting for me in heaven when its my time to pass.

All i want to ask is of everyone is how do u cope i still to this day dont handle the loss of both of them and find myself in a dark place.