When I was little, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and my answer was always the same, “I’m gonna be a mom”. It’s all I’ve ever known for sure in my life. I was my siblings second mom growing up and always the first to volunteer with anything kid related.

I’ve focused on this quote since losing my baby at 11 weeks towards the end of February. It was my first pregnancy and I found out so early (not even 4 weeks). My fiancé and I were so excited. I’m such a closed-off person and usually my emotions are kept to myself. I’ve dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression my whole life and I know I can’t deal with my feelings all bottled up.

My fiancé, my mom, and my close family have been great, but I feel like it’s getting harder each day instead of easier. I just feel broken ☹️. I know I’m meant to be a mom, I can feel it. I’ve always felt it. But I don’t know what to do next.

I’m finishing up nursing school in August, and I’m getting married in November. I’m trying so hard to focus on the positive things in my life. But I was due in September, which means everything was clustered together. I planned on waiting to begin working until the new year to spend time with the baby and planned my wedding around having a newborn. It’s all so connected. I am just so lost.

My fiancé and I have already talked about trying again. We just aren’t sure of how soon with everything going on this year. I’m just dreaming and hoping for “one day” when I get to experience all the good, bad, ugly, and the beauty of pregnancy. And the day when I get to hold my baby and watch him/her grow ❤️