Venting my ugly feelings.

I feel so guilty. I have two beautiful children. My son who is 2 and my daughter who just turned 3 weeks. My son is a bit special needs and my daughter is a premie. 2018 was one of the worst years of my life. My husband cheated on me with someone who I thought was a good friend. After I found out I told her husband and my husband in retaliation kicked me out of the house. This all happened when I was 8 weeks along with my daughter. I went to go live with my family in Texas and the pregnancy started going downhill. Complication after complication and I eventually ended up in the hospital for 6 weeks. I got to go home at 32 weeks and had my daughter at 34+2. I should be so beyond grateful to have my daughter but I feel bitter being alone. I am so angry that I’m taking care of two kids by myself. My son is so clingy since I had my daughter and I’m starting to get pissed when he won’t leave me alone to tend to her. I get pissed when she’s being a normal baby and fussing or crying. I feel like the worst mother ever and I just want to run away. I am so stressed because I know I need to eat but I’m not eating like I should. I have no appetite. I’m constantly getting angry over the dumbest things and losing my temper. I keep wanting to pack up and abandon my kids when they’re just being normal kids. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes that I struggle to just change their diapers. I struggle to get up and feed them. All I can think is that my children would be better off without me. I’ve been thinking about removing myself from this world entirely. I keep thinking that I should just write up their care instructions and leave the important documents behind for my family to find. I want to take my dad’s gun and just go off far away and end things. I feel like anyone would be better at caring for my kids then me. And what’s worse is that there are people who have it far worse than I do but yet here I am thinking about this daily. I feel so beyond pathetic and ashamed. I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I just want to feel better and it’s not happening. I wish I could be stronger but I’m not.