I don’t want sympathy I’ll start off with, I don’t deserve it. I feel like a bad person, and I feel like I’m not a good daughter, girlfriend, friend. Etc. I overthink a lot. I don’t think I have ever been this depressed in my entire life. I have become so addicted and obsessed with the thought of being perfect. I am a huge people pleaser and I can’t stop trying to be a great person to please everyone. I have such a hard time letting go. Whether that is of what I’ve done, or what has been done to me.

Lately I have felt overwhelming guilt, sadness, and I really would just like to end my life at this point. I don’t know how to deal with things like a normal person. I’m 20, I have no job. No license. I feel so sick to my stomach applying for jobs, interviews, when I did work I cried every day I worked. The anxiety makes me feel like I will never enjoy life. Because such simple tasks are so hard for me. It’s hard even going into a store, paying and having someone behind me waiting. I feel judged, I feel worthless.

And the guilt eats me alive. I don’t know how people have gone on doing terrible things and don’t care. I have never cheated on my boyfriend, ever. I never would. But sometimes even if I have a conversation with another male (even if he’s just my waiter at a restaurant) I overthink. “Was I too friendly?” “Was that considered flirting”

a few years ago me and my friend got wasted with eachother and she started doing sexual things to me. Kissing me, grabbing my breasts, giving my side hip a hickey, so I started to pull her pants down, she held them up by the front to keep them up. Me and her had sex a year prior to this, which honestly I wasn’t really into.. idk if it was my wasted mind suddenly being ok with being with her again.. but this night I ended up getting black out drunk. So nothing else happened after that. She held her pants up so I couldn’t take them off and nothing else came of it.

What I feel so goddamn shitty about is I didn’t immediately let go of her pants when she was holding them up. In my drunk mind I guess I just thought it was playing around, and maybe it was. Maybe I’m a piece of shit. The next day she told me “girllll you were trynna take my pants off” and she was laughing and told me about other things that night that occurred, that I don’t remember. I don’t remember how long it was, or what happened after. There was a few older guys there too, in their 20’s. Me and her were 16. I ended up making out with one of them (which I don’t remember) & I was laying in the middle of a busy road with cars honking at me.. which I don’t remember either. it’s just what my friend told me happened the next day. I woke up to hickeys and bruises all over me. I feel so guilty. If I ever would have thought that what me and her was doing that I was in the wrong, I never would have done it. We hung out years later and she wanted to do other sexual things with me and my then boyfriend, and a guy she was interested in.

I feel like a rapist. I feel like a bad girlfriend. I feel like I’m a bad daughter because I don’t have a job, paying for my own phone bill. I think I’m making my dads life much harder and I truly just feel like a waste of space and like I need to just disappear. I obviously can not afford a therapist or counselor. I’ve talked to the suicide hotline, and nothing is helping me. I feel like a terrible person and like I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t know what to do.

I just want to be a good person, and sleep at night knowing I didn’t hurt anyone. I want to get a job and stop freaking out about everything. I’m just very overwhelmed and broken.