Loosing my virginity
I’m so sorry this is long but I need help...
This is very personal and I know people will never see this. But a week ago I lost my virginity! I know shocked... me too!
Nobody would suspect me; even though I’m 17, I have never had a relationship, or kissed anyone (consensually)
I went to a party on Saturday and hooked up with a guy in the toilet and well he fingered me and we kissed. I don’t kiss- I think it’s a sign I’m going crazy- but we did and on the way home I met this guy—
We spoke and the next day and I ended up at his house. We smoked a lot of weed (I don’t know what to think cos I kept saying I couldn’t handle it and he was pressuring me a little) and then he fingered me while watching a documentary I can never finish it now lol memory’s. And then he asked to fuck and I said yes. The one thing is he didn’t care I was on my period which was a really supportive and calming thing I think him for that!
Why did I say yes?!
He turned me over on the couch and we tried it, but it hurt and didn’t really go in. So I sat on him and it seemed to work, we continued for the next 40 minutes doing different positions; but it was cut short because we thought his mum came home.
We then went outside smoked and I went home. The next day we talked about it and he said I was really good for my first time. Kinda proud ngl. It didn’t hurt a lot but did a little, but I was vocal and we worked around it. It wasn’t awkward after and it seemed normal contrary to what movies suggest.
We haven’t spoken since and I don’t think we will ever see each-other again. The few people that know are being supportive but also degrading me for my actions. I feel ok but that I will never be loved because I cannot get anyone for my personality only my body. Which has put my mental state in a spiral that I don’t think I can get out of.
I have questions though like-
Why didn’t he come when we were fucking?
Am I slut for what I’ve done (like people are suggesting)?
How do I make myself less vulnerable?
Why wasn’t loosing my virginity a big romantic deal for me?
It felt like going to the shops an I emotionally numb???
Pls if anyone sees this help me, I’m so confused and alone it what happened specially since the boy has no want to know me :(