Something out of a movie, but true. Part 3.5
I deleted my facebook, but I called Cameron. Cameron wanted to see me again. He begged and pleaded, and I finally gave in. I was immature still, and weak for him. My life since he had went away revolved around the thoughts of "what if". What if I had just committed to him? He would have stopped doing anything i asked him to, if it meant that he could be with me. What if? And although my morals constantly weighed on my pillow when I went to bed with Steve every night... I was obsessed. Cameron was so attractive, so powerful, I was untouchable with him around. I was given respect and if anyone doubted that, Cameron was there to put them in their place. You wouldn't dare cross him, or me for that matter. I saw what he would do, if anyone tried. And that meant, just like Cameron, what I said- went. The power was intoxicating. The protection was the safest feeling I had ever felt. And it wasn't just because he had a little money, or was well known, it was because of him. He was 6'3 and built like a brick wall. He carried an air of confidence and strength. He showed no weakness. He was intimidating, to say the least. The reason I had stayed distant, in the first place. But all of those reasons were also exactly why I didn't stay away completely. There was no better feeling, than being his. The fantasy of having sex with him was something I visited often. And still do.
Steve would go to work, and I would call Cameron. Cameron knew I was in a serious relationship and living with my boyfriend. He begged and pleaded for me to leave him, but I refused. The first time I saw Cameron since he had been back, was the day he came to my... Steve's... house. Steve was at work, of course. I remember being terrified that someone would see Cameron walking in, and I would be busted. Even tho I knew that's exactly what I deserved, if not worse. Cameron knocked on the door, and I answered. He grabbed me and we hugged. We kissed. He kicked the door shut behind him, and swayed me into the living room. It was like we never stopped. We had picked up where we left off. He began grabbing at me. He tore the top of my shirt and the top few buttons fell off. He started to unbutton my denim shorts, but I stopped him, pulling his hands away and my lips from his. He ignored my signals and tried again. I gave a breathy "stop". But he didn't. I then pulled myself away from him a bit. He reached towards me and gave a hard tug to my shorts. This time I gave a stern "Stop!" And pushed his hand away, but he snatched up my arm. And while still holding tightly onto my one arm, he gave another hard tug again at my shorts, and pulled me into him as he kissed me. I pulled out of his grasp and backed up. We stared at eachother for a moment. I finally said, "Do you want me to suck your cock? Or do you want to just piss me off?" He said, "I can't help it. Those sexy legs... I want them. I want to put my hands all over you." He began inching towards me again. And I began backing up. "I want to feel you and taste you. I want to make love to you. I want to show you what a real man does. Don't you want to feel what this is?" By now he had backed me up to the couch, and left my legs no where to go, so i fell into it. I said "I can't. You know I won't. But I want you. Don't stop me again." He pulled his shirt off and tossed it on the floor and said, "I thought you might want me to take it. I know you like it when I make you listen. But I won't stop you again." I stood back up and we resumed our physical affair. We did everything, but we didn't have sex. I don't know why that made a difference to me at this point. But it did. When we were finished he looked around the house and said, "Well I won't stay. I know you don't want me to. You've got some boy coming home you're not happy with. Looks like a good 'ol boy too. You know this ain't right." He kissed me again, and with that he walked out.
This went on for a while. A few times a week. I didn't have him over to the house anymore. I would go to his office, or meet him somewhere else private. He wanted me to stay with him into the evenings, but I wouldn't. I needed to get back home before Steve to clean and start dinner, so there were no signs of my affair. If I stayed with him into the evening, it was because Steve was out of town. We continued that for a few years. Finally my relationship with Steve was getting to the point of marriage. We bought another home and moved in, and not long after that, he proposed. I told him "no". And I let that settle for a while. One night I decided it was time to come clean... Again. If he wanted to marry me, I wanted to marry him. And although I hadn't taken our relationship seriously, at all... If I was going to have babies and marry Steve, I was going to be all in. No more messing around... No more sneaking... No more lies. While maybe I should have taken us seriously to begin with, I felt in a real marriage, that wouldn't be an option any longer. I told steve everything that happened, everything I had been doing, including how I had Cameron over to our old house and what we did. Leaving out any details unless he asked for them. And when he did, I answered honestly. I didn't beg him to forgive me or to trust me again, or make promises because I took marriage more seriously. I just admitted my wrongs. I was almost cold about it. There were no tears. No "I'm sorry"s. I didn't want him to continue with me only because I played on his emotions, or tricked him, or suckered him back in with a few tears and promises. If he wanted to continue with me, I wanted that to be only because he wanted to. If he could somehow possibly believe that I didn't take things seriously, but would somehow take a marriage seriously. So I just told him. Factually, without any emotion or apologies. He was angry, disgusted... But he didn't leave me. And after the dust settled, I knew it was time to keep to my word, or leave Steve. As much as I wanted to, I still wouldn't be with Cameron. I guess he wasn't the "safe" bet. I waited on Cameron to text or call me, because i knew he would. And he did. He called and I told him that I was going to stay with Steve and wanted to stop the affair. Of course, he wanted to know why not him. I didn't really know the true answer to that... But true or not, I had my speech prepared. I told him we didn't want the same things in life, that we were too different people. A generic excuse. But the best I could think of. He argued, begged and pleaded. Ultimately refusing it to be true by the end of our conversation. I thought maybe I'd just have to change my number or ignore him from that point on. And then a few nights later, another text came. He wanted to see me, and I told him no. I read the desperation in his text with his next lines, that were begging me to just leave. Leave right now, go to him, and try it. Just begging me to try. Before I left him completely, he wanted one chance. He wanted me to be his and only his. He felt it wasn't fair to not give us a real try with everything we felt for eachother. But my mind was made up. My last text to him was the last time I talked to him. I wrote, "You're wrong. If I really wanted to be with you, I would be." And maybe that was true. He never responded. I'm sure that hurt him. What kind of man chases a woman for over a decade, and isn't even sleeping with her? Why? He was getting something from me... But it wasn't much.
Steve and I eventually married and a year later, I was pregnant. I hadn't heard from Cameron, or tried to reach out to him since that last text. When my oldest turned 3, I was searching the internet for some social activity I could enroll him in. I found a few things I thought he'd be interested in, and in an attempt to get in touch with the people running the classes, made myself another Facebook page. No pictures of myself, or updates on my life. Just my name. Just so I had a page and could use the resource. In September of 2018, I get an alert on my phone... A friend request from Cameron. I didn't respond. I didn't acknowledge it.
That's the story. That's where it hopefully ends. As I've said, there's a good chance we'll run into eachother again at some point. We both live in very small towns and are less than 10 miles apart. I'm in his town often. I know he's also married now... Although I haven't asked, I've heard. I fear I will always wonder what could have been. I'm afraid I will always fantasize about what we had. But as long as I'm married, I will not revisit that physically. I will never reply to another phone call, or message. My husband doesn't deserve that, and neither do my children. I'm lucky my husband is even still around. I can't say why I wasn't faithful to my husband or didn't just commit to Cameron... I have many theories, but I don't know for sure. I hope he's doing well. He clearly hasn't forgotten about me, but I hope he does. And I hope I can forget about him, too.
So again, if anyone read that and has any questions, I will try to answer. If you have any thoughts, I would be interested to read. Although I'm left reminiscing, it's a small weight lifted just in telling the story.
Here's to you, Cameron.