Buckle in its a long story

My journey hasnt been easy, when i was 18 i got pregnant, i was engaged to my babys dad and we could not have been happier. 9 months later we had a beautiful baby girl.

When she was 4 we decided Maybe it was time to have another. We weren't actively trying, but we weren't preventing it either. 2 months after that we were pregnant. My test line was very faint so we went to the doctor to confirm. The test line was very faint on that one too so we done a blood test, which confirmed 2 days later that i was pregnant. We were over the moon, we decided to celebrate by going out to dinner. On our way home i suddenly felt an agonising, sharp pain like a pop on the left side of my abdomen. I felt hot, dizzy and down i went on the pavement. I was in agony. We managed to get home which was just up the road. I lay down and as suddenly as it started, it was gone. I'd had cramps that really hurt on my 1st pregnancy and after calling the hospital, i felt at ease that it was fine and no need to go in. Next day was fine but i started spotting. Again I was told that it was normal, the next day the pain came back and brought with it shoulder pain. It went on like this for almost two weeks. One day on one day off etc and each day felt worse. At one point i thought my baby was trying to kill me. So having put up with it for 2 weeks, we were at a friend's for dinner when i collapsed. My friend having seen enough demand i get in his car and my fiancee and i went to the hospital. The drive there was 30 mins of searing pain, blacking out, my shoulder was throbbing. When we got there i was barely conscious, i couldn't stand so my fiancee ran in to er with me in a wheelchair, yelling for someone please help! I was rushed in immediately. They tried scanning me but couldn't see anything. Upon doing an internal scan the ectopic pregnancy was confirmed in my left tube. After that everything started looking fuzzy, i couldn't maintain consciousness. But there was a lot of rushing around, and i was out. When i woke up in the wee hours of the morning they explained what happened. Basically once we did the internal scan and noticed that my left fallopian tube had ruptured, i had bern internally bleeding for a long time, since that day i collapsed. Thats where the shoulder pain came from. When they took the scanner out i had started hemhoraging and i was losing blood rapidly. They told me that in that moment they needed to act fast. It was a good thing i came in when i did because if it had happened at home id have gond to bed and died from blood loss. They told my mom anfd fiancee that 2 more hours and i would have died. I had my tube removed and there was no more baby

I was devastated.

A year later and dealing with ptsd from that whole thing i discovered i was pregnant again, i was happy but apprehensive. I was referred to the early pregnancy unit. In the week leading up to the appointment i began bleeding. Again I was told that it was normal when i called. Research told me that i was experiencing implantation bleeding and cramping.

When i went in for my appointment the test they gave me was negative, scan showed nothing and blood tests showed fading hcg. It had passed on its own. I was heartbroken. We so badly wanted this. It was taking its toll on my mentality

So i decided to stop, i couldn't do it anymore. I decided to focus on myself and my family, making something of myself.

Years had passed i was training to be a hairdresser, i had just gotten married to my fiancee, i just got a job in an amazing prestegious salon, moved into a new apartment. A lot was happening that i guess my period fell way under the radar. I didn't realise i was coming up to my NEXT period before i clocked that i didn't even have my last one.

I took a test and there it was. As big and fat as a positive gets. I referred to the early pregnancy unit again and we where so excited, newlyweds and pregnant. It was a dream come true. I went in for my scan and waited for the sonographer to point out my baby to us, when she put the device down. "What im seeing here is a gestational sack, but there is no fetal growth, its called a blighted ovum. Roughly 11 weeks, the sack shows signs of collapsing. So you should expect to begin bleeding over the next week. If by Monday we dont see any show, we will need to book you in for a D&C. But i suspect that it will happen sooner than later." I was in disbelief. How are we here again!!!

Sure as anything a couple days later i began bleeding, i went to hospital to be monitored and they gave me an injection and our hearts broke.

Back to normal and our everyday life we tried getting back to our lives. We where just so torn up. My period came an went and i guess we just wanted to be close to eachother, we weren't handling it well and found comfort in each other and we did the deed. Sure enough i missed my next period.

I took multiple tests that confirmed pregnancy. Here we go again.

I couldn't allow myself to be excited about it, it was just a matter of time before something happened.

So i made all my necessary appointments. Well all tests where done, yes they could confirm pregnancy, yes the blood work confirmed that hcg levels increased normally confirming it was not ectopic. The doctors swemed very pleased that this was a successful pregnancy. I was booked in with a specialist for reoccurring pregnancy losses she did weekly scans and prescribed me asprin and progesterone saposatories to help with any risk of miscarriage. I was lightly bleeding and i was freaking out but a scan confirmed that it was a unrelated to the baby. There was another sack full of blood called a subchronic hematoma. The doctors were not concerned about it and said that it will dry up on its own. So one week we seen it, a little flicker. "That's your babys heartbeat" she said. Ill admit it, i got excited, i cried, we just couldn't believe it. Thats our baby! Each week we watched baby grow from a flicker to a bean with a flicker. Each week showed baby was reaching all expected milestones. Strong heartbeat, measuring appropriately for the weeks, rhey were happy so we where happy. Once we reached the second trimester they were satisfied that we didn't need to return for weekly appointments anymore. I was no longer high risk. I cant tell you how relieved we where. We decided to tell our 11 year old daughter. We put some clues into a gift box with blue and pick tissue paper. A baby ruth bar, a candy dummy, a tshirt with the words ONLY CHILD crossed out, and big sister under it, along with some baby clothes and a scan of the baby that had "hi zoe, i can't wait to meet you" printed on it thanks to our sonographer. We gave her the gift and watched her face as she realised what we where telling her. We recorded the whole thing. She cried she was so happy! We used that video and posted on Facebook to announce to everyone else we were expecting. All our friends and family cried with the video too and then some! It was official. It was hard to deny as my belly grew and grew. I looked pregnant! So my 1st wedding anniversary was coming up, and my amazing husband bought me a beautiful maternity dress and shoes, some flowers and told me to get ready for a night out celebrating. I got all dressed up, did my hair real nice, payed extra attention to my make up. I admired myself in the mirror, i really had that pregnancy glow. I decided to go pee before we left, because I knew better by then. Thats when i noticed a little blood on the tissue. Old blood. I felt cold but i thought ok, could just be blood left over from the hemtoma, but best get checked out anyway. We went in freaked out of our minds but thought itll be ok, we finally got called and there i am, all dressed up on my 1st wedding anniversary in hospital. Getting scanned the doctor stays silent. Im worried because we always hear baby by that point, and see baby move about, but doctors not saying anything and its taking a really long time! That when she says it "im so sorry." I just hear all the air leave Chris "there is no heartbeat" i just start screaming, i just don't understand! My whole whole world fell apart! They kept me in the night so they could do a scan to confirm baby died. The morning after it was confirmed, our baby had died. It was a boy. I felt heartache before but not like that. I was 18 weeks but closer to 19 weeks, i had to have my son through induced labour. The whole thing. Contractions, where horrible, and then there he was. My beautiful baby boy. They let him stay with me in a cold cot for the night so i could say good bye, wrap him up in blankets, hold his hand, take photos and just hold him. We cried over him agonisingly. Broke the news to our daughter. Our whole family was heartbroken. When it was time for him to be taken for his post mortem i screamed and cried. We were all broken. His funeral came and i dressed him in his little knitted white gown, took the blanket i had given him to be with and swapped it for i blanket that I kept wit us so we always had a piece of each other, and i placed him in his white coffin. Thinking this should not be happening. That was in November, his due date was 2nd of April, so i wanted to honour him. I found a tattoo on Pinterest that stood out for me. Its still a struggle, i miss him but i haven't given up hope that one day we will have our rainbow, and they will know that they had a brother called Hunter, and he was loved, very much.