I was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago, I took steps to manage it including quitting smoking. 5 years on, I have 2 beautiful little boys and a wonderful supportive fiancé (OH - who I've been with for over 6 years, he was the one that convinced me to go to the doctors about my mental health after I had to leave college because of it). And today just broke me.

Our March baby is now 2 weeks old, and as I was going upstairs with him (I was already holding him anyway, or I would have left him downstairs) to get his paci the thought of just throwing him on my bed, and walking out, crossed my mind. Not even just walking out of my room. Walking out completely. Not even bothering packing anything, or putting shoes on, just turning round and leaving. Leaving everything, and everyone, behind.

Instead, I put our baby in his bassinet, sat down, cried for a moment. Then picked him up, went back downstairs, handed him to my OH, and sat on the floor crying. My OH knows that when I get like that, the best thing he can do is give me instructions, so he told me I needed to get up off the floor and go and make our Son a bottle because it would be a distraction. He then gave our Son his bottle when it was ready, so I could take a moment to calm myself down.

I didn't realise how badly I was struggling until that moment. Everything just got really overwhelming, really quickly. I don't know how I'm meant to keep doing this. My fiancé can't always be here to help because of work. I can't balance looking after both of our children.