I need advice, may be a trigger for some. Read with care

So, I've never done anything like this. But I need to vent, and get some outside advice,I don't have many people in my life I'm comfortable talking to, and those who I was, have moved on or I don't want to burden them.

A little about myself, I'm 19 years old, I've always been very independent and Matured past my age. I started having depression when I was 11/12 and started dating when I was 13. My first relationship I was mentally and physically abused and raped, and this went on for about a year and a half.

To say the least, I was young and stupid.

I was also in a car accident with my rapist boyfriend and almost died and I've never felt whole since,I'm always feeling like I lost a piece of myself.

When I was 15 I entered my second relationship, it was good for a while, but my parents were controlling and didn't like that I was gaining more Independence. And there was a lot of stress/strain between family conflict and my depression and my partners. I started self harming and I attempted to kill myself twice. I just wanted to escape my past, the present and myself. I also talked my partner out of killing himself with a shot to the Head during a phone call. Sex turned into an addiction for both of us and it was an easy escape, until things got out of hand and I got pregnant and miscarried.

We broke up in 17 due to family pressure, but there are still feelings there on both sides, but I don't know what to do. I still talk to him every once in a blue moon and I can't stop my heart from beating out of my chest whenever I see him.

I'm in a complicated relationship right now, I'm in the process of building a business, and building financial credit and a name for myself.

But, I can't help feeling like I'm lost, I have good days, but then I have days I'm just down and I want to kill myself, driving down the road a bridge or a tree or a 100mph rollover is tempting. I've written multiple suicide letters through the years but they've never been given to anyone. My mom is still trying to control my life even though she cares and it just doesn't help.

I just don't know what to do, I feel so lost. I'm sorry for the big long vent, but I don't have anyone to talk to really. I don't want sympathy, but any advice would really be appreciated.