I’ve been in three abusive relationships. Physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually.

I’ve never been able to stand up for myself. Especially in the bedroom. I’ve been with my bf now for almost a year. He’s incredible, knows everything about my PTSD and isn’t phased by it, and is genuinely my best friend. But I still have trouble standing up for myself to him.

I have NO trouble telling him what I want, telling him I want to cuddle instead of sex or telling him I want him to give me oral etc. But when it comes to telling him I don’t like something he really loves, I’ve always had trouble.

Recently we wanted to try him spanking me. It felt really good but I wanted it to be a one-time thing for me. I was terrified to tell him. He loved it so much, and I told him I loved it, and told him I loved it every time he brought it up.

Today, we were sexting, and he brought it up again. I took a deep breath and told him that it did feel really good, but that I didn’t want it anymore. I was terrified for his response.

His response was amazing. He told me that’s what he wanted to hear from me. I finally accepted that he just wants me to be honest. I still felt bad, but he explained that so many other things give him pleasure, and that he didn’t need that to be happy.

I’m so relieved and proud of myself. I’ve always trusted this man, but I’ve never been able to stand up for myself because of my PTSD. In previous relationships, saying no would result in choking or a slap in the face. I’m proud of myself for being strong enough to take this tiny little step in recovery from my PTSD. And I’m so grateful that I have such an amazing person by my side.