Hey honey,

I sure don’t want you to find me like this again. Sitting here crying. I’m so tired. I’m so pregnant. I so wanted this baby to be different.

Three pregnancies and I just hoped and prayed this child would come easier. He’d come smaller. He’d come with less drama.

Never seems to happen.

I’m spent. I’m tired of the sickness. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of the pain and being out of breath at the slightest thing. I’m tired of worrying. And I’m angry. Angry that my body doesn’t do pregnancy normally. That just this once I wanted to spend the last few weeks prepping the nursery, snuggling with our older boys, going to church for Easter, enjoying family time during spring break. Not here, trapped in the house. Doctors wanting me to avoid crowds. My kids spending days and even weeks with the grandparents because I’ve been one step out of the hospital, confined to bed, and stuck.

I want to celebrate our toddler’s birthday and take him to Build a Bear. And pick him up without fear. I wanna bake him his Elmo cake. And play with his new Cookie Monster on the floor.

I wanna cook! Plan healthy meals. Go to the store without issues or pain or fear because they don’t even want me to grocery shop.

Play outside with the kids now that it isn’t snowing.

I wanna have SEX! It’s been MONTHS. And it will be months after birth. I’m tired of the restrictions.

I want to know our boy is okay. I want to hold him. I want to know he’s healthy and whole. I’m scared. I think I’m more scared for this birth than the others. I’m scared something will be wrong after all the issues my body has faced.

I’m tired of feeling like crap. I’m tired of having to rely on everyone else. I’m a grown woman. I want to take care of my house and my kids and my husband and my life without having to rely on others. Go pick up a gallon of milk without feeling like I’ve run the half mile barefoot in the desert.

I’m tired of crying. I get so frustrated with the entire constant situation and it overwhelms me

So I cry. And I feel stupid so I cry harder.

I’m so over not sleeping. Between the swelling in my sinus cavity, the baby, the runs to the bathroom, the aches, and the vivid dreams...oh and heartburn no matter what food I eat or when I eat it...I’m done. And worse, I know when that little One is in our room, I’m Not gonna be sleeping.

I feel gross and overwhelmed. And I feel like a total failure. I want to be a good mommy and hold all my babies. Not send them off to grandmas bc I can’t stand or clean or cook. I just pushed through trying to clean some of the nursery up and I lost my breath. And you found me in a chair crying. I used to clean this whole house. Now moving a few baby things and picking up trash and cleaning clutter takes me down.

I feel so stuck. My anxiety is up. My energy is down. It’s like my body is never gonna recover from being so ill while so pregnant. I’ve had to deal with no baby shower, no Easter fun, and my kids practically being raised by my mother because I can’t gestate normally.

I love being a mommy. But I honestly kinda hate being pregnant. May can’t come soon enough.