I blame myself..

When I was 17 I hung out with a guy I had known since preschool I had considered him a friend. He took me to one of his friends houses where everyone was drinking, but I brought a bottle of water with me because I didn’t feel up to drinking. A few hours went by and my “friend” was starting to pressure me into drinking, and I finally gave in. I was like what the hell I’m a senior in high school I don’t usually drink with other people. He made me a drink while I was chatting with one of his buddies. I don’t remember a lot after that, after I was half way through the drink I got dizzy and felt more drunk from just half a drink than I had ever felt before. I remember asking him to walk me home because I wasn’t feeling well, and he refused and told me I’d have to walk by myself, I think I tried to because I remember falling on the sidewalk and bruising my knee pretty badly. He told me he had feelings for me after I somehow got back inside and at that point I was in a bedroom alone with him. I don’t remember him ever asking me, but he had sex with me while I just laid there. I don’t remember anything after that. I don’t remember saying yes, but I drank the drink he made me and I blame myself for anything that happened. The morning after when I woke up I was bleeding horribly and it stayed that way for 3 days. I never told anyone because I was afraid they wouldn’t believe me. I don’t know what to call what happened to me, I call it my mistake because I feel guilty for everything that happened. Needless to say the next Monday at school he told a bunch of people I had sex with him and that he and I were now a thing, and I was disgusted and tried to stop the rumors. He messaged me and called me almost every day after, and threatened to hit me if I ever started to date anyone else besides him. He would drive past my house in the mornings before school, and I was honestly scared of him.

On nights like tonight I can’t help but feel sick to my stomach and my anxiety kicks into overdrive. I have now told my fiancé and my old “friend” was confronted about it. This is all he had to say: he’s the blue message...

His words haunt my mind at times..