So.. excuse the extremely long post, but I have no one else to talk to...

I found out last Monday that I was in the process of having a miscarriage. All weekend I suffered through the cramps, the bleeding, the tears. My whole family knew the situation, they were all trying to be sympathetic and come up with scenarios. “Oh I could be this or this, maybe even this” but as a woman carrying this child I knew... I knew the instant I wiped the first time and the toilet paper was full of blood. I left my house instantly and went to the hospital. I sat in this hospital room for 5+ hours. Got a vaginal ultrasound, my urine sample, blood drawn. The baby was there, it had a heartbeat. My hcg levels were in the 8000s. That happened Thursday night into early Friday morning. Friday after I woke up, I called my OBs office. They sent me to their hospital, I sat there for 4.5+ hours. Got more blood work, cried for those few hours. My levels had risen to the 9000s by this time. They sent me home. “Threatened miscarriage”. Saturday morning, cramps. Unbearable cramps. Tears. Went to the bathroom, started passing clots. Quarter size. More than one. I knew it. I knew it in my heart, my soul, my gut. I stayed home from work all weekend. Laid in bed. Tried to be careful. Cried. Worried. Monday morning I call my OBs office because I wanted to be seen by MY doctor. Nope, she was out of office. They HIGHLY recommended me to go back to their ER. So I did. More blood drawn, more peeing in a cup. I got a Pap smear. More waiting. Until that doctor came in with the look on his face. I cried so hard, so uncontrollably. My uterus was dilated & there was tissue coming out. From Saturday to Monday my levels dropped from the 9000s to the 600s.

I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to actually tell people I’m not okay. My fiancé blames himself because of one fight. One. How am I supposed to make him know it wasn’t his fault? I keep telling him the three different possible reasons why this is happening to us. 1. Hormones from the mirena still being in my body. (I only had it out for a few weeks. Was no intention on getting pregnant that fast.) 2. My progesterone levels were extremely low. 3. I had a UTI that the first ER never told me about.

I’m so lost, so broken. But I don’t know how to tell the people I love that this isn’t as easy as I’m making it out to be. Or that I don’t cry myself to sleep every night. Or miss the belly kisses from my fiancé, hearing him say “I love you, times two”. I’m so broken 😪😭