I have battled depression all my life along with anxiety. Like bad anxiety. Not gonna get all into it but it’s just a struggle that I go in and out of.

Recently I have just not been okay. And some times I don’t even realize how bad it is because I am so used to it.

When I met my husband I told him I figured I’d be alone forever because I am just hard to handle, he ignored it. We got married in October.. crazy someone would wanna marry me. But has been such a blessing and I honestly have a great life.

I just can’t shake what goes on in my mind tho. It is so freaking hard. I just am who I am and I never believed in therapy for myself and recently I decided I need it because I’m desperate because life is so good and I can’t see it or exist in it without constant fear. But my insurance has been a pain in the ass and so I haven’t seen a therapist. I need referrals and there’s just been issues that I’m too emotionally drained to deal with anymore.. the back and forth phone calls..

ANYWAYS.. my husband. And my two long distance best friends are really all I have.

My one friend tells me the other day all I do is complain and say negative things and I’m annoying her.. then when I got defensive she said she was kidding.. she also says i ramble too much... which I am doing now lol. And idk I just have a busy mind 🤷🏽‍♀️ so yeah can’t talk to her about anything.

Then my husband cuts me off mid vent the other night and I got defensive and he said well maybe if you said something positive for once I’d wanna listen....and that I always cry

So then this morning my last and final friend I have to confide in who is my absolute rock agrees with them and said she’s sorry and told me i need to work on just keeping some stuff in and it’ll just go away.. I just cried and got off the phone.

I know listening to negativity constantly can be draining but idk.. I’m sorry idk how to just not be like this I don’t even notice it..

Everyone gets mad when I isolate myself and don’t talk to anyone but I can’t talk to anyone because I bother people.. most the time if not almost all the time I don’t realize I’m even being negative..

I just am who I am and life is great but I’m lonely and now I feel even more alone. And feeling guilty for even venting right now on a forum I’m anonymous and it doesn’t even matter.. I don’t know what to do.. I am physically in pain from how sad I am and get headaches from getting myself all anxious all the time and other stuff.. I feel like I put so much work into pretending like I am fine so when people tell me I’m failing at it and it’s annoying them I just don’t know what to do idk I’m just lost. I am not even looking for advice because I can’t even take it.. I just needed to vent in a space it won’t bother the people I care about.