We’ve been trying for our rainbow baby for a year, and I just got my BFP.

We are overjoyed to say the least.

But now God has now shown me a glimpse of the frustration and heartbreak that women who struggle with their fertility go through. I had no idea about the rollercoaster of emotions until we kept trying month after month, each time I’m squinting and holding pregnancy tests up to the light and my poor husband keeps telling me, it’s okay if you’re not. And then of course, the tears and anger when AF comes.

It’s odd it happened this month. I lost my Nana (grandmother) who was my best friend two weeks ago. Clearly, I was not in the mood, but we both decided we should try at least a couple of times in my fertile window, so we did, twice (way less than usual). After that, I dove into my spiritual side, reading, studying, talking with family to try and figure out exactly what was going on with my Nana — was she in Heaven? Purgatory? A deep sleep? Can she hear me praying to God? Those questions have kept me studying all month. Praying. Questioning.

I didn’t go through all the pregnancy tests I usually do. I just took one this morning because Glow notified me I was about to start. I got on my knees and prayed. And walked back to a BFP.

It may not be what you believe, but I believe she’s in God’s presence, and that she might have played a role in praying to God for me... with me, as I asked again for this blessing.

Thank you, Nana, for continuing to look out for us, and thank you, Lord, for answering yes to my prayers.

I pray he keeps this baby healthy.

A picture of my sweet Nana with my firstborn. She thought the world of him. I know she’s taking care of my other baby in Heaven.