Carrying around an angel
I am 18 weeks pregnant. Yesterday I went in for a regular doctor visit and my doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat. So she sent me over to get an ultrasound done.
I had my mother in law and daughter with me. I was so scared. During the ultrasound the tech wanted to get “another pair of eyes” so she grabbed another tech. I immediately knew that wasn’t good and started bawling my eyes out once she left the room. Once the ultrasound was done she had to bring me over to the family life center and they’d explain to me there what’s going on.
This was torture. For 3 hours since we left the doctors office I just wanted to know exactly if my baby was okay. Finally the doctor comes in and tells me “I don’t have good news for you, I’m sorry”. My heart broke in half. My daughter (3yo) walked up to me asking why I was sad. I felt so broken. So helpless that I couldn’t get her to understand she wasn’t going to be a big sister anymore.
This night has felt like torture. I tried to eat but I really couldn’t. I took 2 ambiens and after a while I fell asleep. My daughter ended waking me up early morning and I was up. My fiancé woke up and asked how I was doing, I just broke down. It hurts so much. I’ve been carrying around a lost baby for who knows how long. I’m in disbelief. My grandmother recently sent us baby clothing. I just signed up for two baby registries online. I have a pregnancy pillow in the corner of my room. I don’t know how I’m going to heal from this one. I had an early miscarriage in November 2017. That was hard. But this is just impossible to bare. I have a D&E on Monday. I’m scared to death. I have two angel baby’s in heaven.