I’m absolutely, completely, 150% burnt out. I had my baby mid February and I love him more than anything. But I cannot function as my own human and as his mom at the same time. It’s too draining. I can’t seem to get basic things done anymore because he’s coming first, like I maybe shower every couple days, and if I’m lucky I can get two hastily prepared things to eat a day (not even meals, just random food).

My boyfriend is so supportive and so draining at the same time. He tries to talk to me about this and that, sometimes important, sometimes not, and I just can’t do it. Talking to him is a chore and spikes my anxiety. I’ve been sitting on the kitchen floor for forty five minutes because it’s the farthest place away from the bedroom where he’s sleeping in our tiny ass apartment. I almost dread looking at him now because I’ve started to associate him with high functioning and it’s just way too much. He’s productive and goes to work and maintains positivity. On one hand I admire that, but on the other hand when he chews me out for not doing something, it makes me resent him. Why does he still get to be a person since I had the baby? Why doesn’t he seem affected in any way? How does he handle the lack of sleep this well?

Why can’t I?

Is something wrong with me? Am I not doing something that will make things better? I feel like a complete failure and that thought is making me miserable. I know I’m a decent enough mother, but it’s myself I feel like I’m failing. My body is still doing all kinds of wacky things and I don’t look like me, my brain is either making too many unhappy chemicals or not enough happy chemicals - or more likely, both, I cannot seem to adjust to the lack of sleep schedule, and I just am angry and upset that I can’t figure out how to be a real person anymore.

I’m only a mom.

A very tired, very confused, very judged, very burnt out mom.