He’s refused to see my family for a year- need advice pls long post!
First off I love my family very much and they’re very open, accepting, and kind people. I’ve posted about this before but more has happened since and really need advice.
So I’ve lived with my boyfriend for almost three years now, he wants to marry me one day and have kids. The first year he would come to my family’s get togethers, that weren’t often just here and there a few times throughout the year and Christmas. My family absolutely loved him. My dad one time basically told him he is family to them and will always be there for him. He would always tell me what a good time he had with my family and how nice they are. Most of the get togethers were at my aunts house and she has a pool table in the basement where the men of my family (dad, uncle, my brother who is around my bf’s age, and him) would play pool and drink sometimes and they’d always be laughing and having fun. Then all of the sudden he started to purposely making us super late to get togethers. Then he’d make excuses for him not to go. I expressed how I wanted him there but wouldn’t make him feel forced to go. I would tell him we could just stay a hour or even less that’s it if that’s what he wanted but he refused. I didn’t think it was a big deal I understood time with your partner’s family is not always something you want to do... until things escalated. One time my parents visited our place (only for the second time in two years) and he purposely slept the whole time they were there I tried to wake him up multiple times but he refused to get up. He refused to come even to Christmas last year and when I brought back the nice gifts my family had gotten for him he laughed at the gifts and was annoyed and said “ugh no gifts!” Before Christmas I told him it would be nice if he just signed a card for them since he won’t be there and it was like pulling teeth to get him to even sign it he was being a huge ass about it.
I’ve asked him multiple times now if any of my family said or did something to upset him and he promised me no and says he likes my family very much. So now it’s been a year and he hasn’t seen them. During that year his mom (from another country) visited and stayed with us for three weeks. I was so happy he got to see his mom and I really tried bond with her. I also go with him to see his cousin very often since he lives near us. I don’t understand why he is refusing to put effort for my family now. I’ve told him how I felt many times. He just tells me he doesn’t like family time. He said if his family lived here he wouldn’t be seeing them either which is a lie because I know he loves his family and he visits his cousin all the time like I said. I explained to him I understand not liking family time I feel the same way sometimes but it’s just the point of keeping a bond with the family, it’s important to me. I told him even if he only sees them once out of the year it’s the least he can do! He said he would make it all up by taking my parents out to dinner one weekend, but he said that 5 months ago and never did it.
I’m so confused and my parents are thinking he doesn’t like them anymore and thinks he is being unfair to me. My dad had a surgery recently and my bf told me to give him three bags of these specialty snacks that my dad loves. I thought that was really nice but upset he wouldn’t offer to give them to my dad himself. When I gave them to my dad my dad told me to give him this specialty hot sauce he brought for him on his vacation months ago and said he wasn’t going to give it to him bc he has been refusing to see them. This gift giving through me is so ridiculous lol and I feel bad for my dad. My dad said he liked my bf so much and is sad he is being like this. My bf doesn’t feel bad.
He is middle eastern and me and my family are not so I wonder if that has anything to do with it. Both of our families are Christian though and aren’t over the top about it (like none of us go to church) so religion couldn’t be the issue. My bf is always preaching about how open minded he is because he lived in California a long time but he sure isn’t proving it to me making me feel like our ethnicity may be a factor here. He also has never spent time with any of my friends with me, who are also white.
I’m not going to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do but I wish he would tell me a real reason he’s being like this but he WON’T explain anything other than the hating family time excuse. I’m so done even talking to him about it at this point. It just makes me feel like he doesn’t really love me if he can’t do something so simple for me. Or makes me feel like one of my family members may have said something rude to him and he’s refusing to tell me and I will never know?