Before I get any negative comments, hear me out please. We’ve been trying for 2 years, that might not be a long time, but it is when you’ve had 2 miscarriages in one year and 7 negative tests back to back without even a slight faint line the next. I’ve been so sure I was pregnant before i took each test. I calculated everything, I ate healthy and got more active to prepare my body, made sure to have sex every month especially on my ovulation day- we never over did it, roughly we’d have sex maybe 5-10 days a month- and I didn’t stress that much about it anymore. But nothing worked. And it still isn’t. I hate telling my friends and family “I really think I could be pregnant this time! I’ve been feeling like this, like that, I’m gonna test this day, my period didn’t come” but it always does. Every time. Just when I think it’s spotting or IB, it’s my period. There was a time I didn’t get my period for 3 months, but guess what? I wasn’t even pregnant. It was from my last birth control. There was a time I was so sure I even went and bought a onesie that said “my daddy is the best daddy” for the day I found out to announce it to my SO. But that day never came. After each BFN, my heart breaks even more. I’m always excited going to the store buying these crazy expensive AND inexpensive pregnancy tests. At this point, I feel like I’ve been tricking myself into thinking I’m pregnant each time, and that’s why I felt like I was going to get a BFP because of how I was feeling. And clearly I was right. I was delusional. Still am because I just got my period today after getting 2 more BFN this week even though it was late. Everyone around me is getting pregnant and don’t get me wrong, I’m more than happy for them. But I am also a little bitter because that’s supposed to be me as well. I’m ready to be a mommy too. I go on Facebook, first couple posts are pregnancy announcements from my friends. I go on Snapchat, I see babies. I go on Instagram, I see pregnant women and beautiful maternity shoots. It’s mentally draining me. It’s physically draining me. But more of all, it’s emotionally draining me.

I have decided to stop trying. To stop stressing myself and my SO out, to stop getting excited and hopeful for nothing. Maybe it’s not the right time? Or maybe I’m personally just not built for pregnancy? Or maybe it’s a sign that I shouldn’t be a mother? It’s hard. It really is. I know women have had far worse heartbreaking experiences TTC than I have, which is why I don’t want any negativity. I understand that. I am truly, deeply sorry. But this is my experience, my story, and my feelings. This is how I feel, and this is a decision I am considering. I really thought this month was the one, but I was let down once again. So at this point, I’m not worried about trying anymore. I will get back on birth control and just move forward until I’m ready to put ourselves through that again.

I appreciate everyone who has made it this far in the post, hopefully you understand and don’t think I’m a coward. But enough for some may not be the same for others and with me, I’ve had enough. I have fell into depression 3 different times in the past 3 years. Is it really that worth it? Yes and no. But I can’t do it. When the time is right, I’ll be ready. But my TTC journey has been stopped until further notice.

Congratulations to all new mommies 🤞🏽❤️ I wish nothing but happiness, healthiness, protection, safety, and blessings.

And for other women who might feel the same way I do, we are not alone. Just know that. Our time will come. Don’t stress, it will be okay 💗✨