Right now, I am crying. Again. No, it's not because of AF. It's because I feel so stressed, left out and alone in this ttc journey. We have been trying for 1 year and 7 months with no luck. We tried naturally for 1 yr and got nothing. When we hit 1 year and 2 months, we decided to see a fertility specialist.

The first few visits were fine. I was a bit relieved knowing that someone is actually there, helping us to concieve. My doctor ran blood tests and ultrasounds which all went back normal. My husband did semen analysis and the results were great. She found out I was kind of ovulating a week late than usual. Around cd 19-23. So she started me on clomid 50 mg which did not make much of a difference. So she made me take 100mg on my 2nd cycle and it did work. I had a 22mm follicle at CD14 (US done by another OBgyne) just in time. It just so happen that she was out of country because that was during the december holidays so she wasn't able to give me a trigger shot. We did BD at the right times but still did not get pregnant.

On Jan and Feb, I was disappointed and busy at work I did not go to see her. On March 9, I decided to see her again. We did US and that's when she said I have pcos. It developed after taking 2 cycles of clomid. Then she prescribed more blood works TSH, FSH and asked me if I was willing to do HSG. I told her I was not ready for HSG and so she said I can try femara 2.5mg that's an option.

So my last LMP was Feb 17, come March 29, (still no AF).I did a pregnancy test and a faint line appeared. It's faint but very visible, no squinting or inverting needed. Yes it has color. I did more tests and all came back the same everyday. The lines never got darker.

So April 6, on my follow up visit she did an ultrasound. I showed her my PT and she said definitely looks like a positive. On the ultra sound, there was this sac but she said she could not tell for sure. I would be 6 weeks by then so she ordered beta hcg which came back negative at 2miu.

I was still skeptic because I was feeling pregnant for the first time. I threw up at work and kept sleeping the whole day. She prescribed me duphaston to start my mens if the beta hcg comes back negative but I didnt take it.

I went to a midwife I know and asked her to palpate my abdomen. She is old and has a lot of experience. She said I am definitely pregnant. I know I sound stupid but I was hoping.

So came March 10, my work sent me out of country alone for some stupid training. I had to wait at the airport for 12 hours, carry my own luggage and walk meters to get to the parking area of the organizer who fetched me. During the entire 12 hours, my back was aching due to the long hours of sitting and then the next day AF came.

For the first time, I saw a faint line that gave me hope and it shattered. I was sad, I was blaming myself for having to go to that stupid trip.

Ff. Now I took femara 2.5mg and was scheduled for follow up on april 24. Unfortunately, I am away again for work. I hate my work. So we decided to move it today.

I had a long argument with my husband yesterday because he told me he had to attend a meeting this morning and I said I wasnt going alone. The policy of my doctor is you have to pre register only in the morning because she will only start accommodating patients in the afternoon.

He told me, I can go there in the morning and register by myself then he will come in the afternoon to accompany me. What made me mad is that we already made a plan about this visit because I was about to get a trigger shot.

I found out that that meeting he was talking about was supposed to be scheduled on thursday but one of the VIPs of the meeting was not available so he asked his boss to move it to FRIDAY when in fact he already knew we had to go to the doctor.

It was not his boss who told him to schedule it on Friday. It was him, my husband who willfully asked to resched the meeting today Friday because he eanted to get it done and did not want to postpone next week.

I feel like I am so alone in ttc. My husband always telling me "It's going to happen when its time" doesnt help because it irritates me and makes me feel like he is not as 100% committed in all this ttc. He tells me he badly wants a child just like me but thats not how I feel. My mother tells me to stop going to the doctor because its taking a toll on our relationship, everyone around me is pregnant. And they have only been trying for like 2 months. Maybe they didnt even have to try.

We settled the argument. My husband told me he is going to take the 1 hour drive to the clinic, register and go back to his work for the meeting then go back to tge clinic for my check up.

Now, my clinic called telling me that my specialist is out of town and tells me to go tomorrow. I am pissed, frustrated and want to give up. I feel like all this is happening because my husband always makes me mad just in the right time like when I am about to ovulate, or when my period is delayed. Ugh! I hate it.

Everyone is pregnant but not me. It makes me feel sad. It makes me feel like I am not capable of being a good mother. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Add that people think it is me whos got a problem because we have a small family compared to my husbands huge family. My mother also took years before having me and I hate people telling me that "Oh. You are just like your mother." I hate it when people tells me "What is wrong with you? Don't you know how to have sex?" "When are u going to get a belly bump? You take forever" gosh! I don't know what to do. I just want to stop all this.