Trying not to die.

The hours drag on slowly, turning minutes into hours. Days into lonely nights full of sorrow and tears. The sound of rain pours onto the window, as I drive aimlessly in circles forever. An endless drive alongside an empty dream, a dream that has died with your absence. Trapped in a world that slowly decays my soul into nothingness. Imprisoned in this empty worthless shell of a person who loved you so deeply. But it meant nothing to you, I mean nothing to you. You're out there with someone else who's caught your eye and is everything I could never be. I'll never be good enough for you, and I knew from the beginning I couldn't be, but I fell in love anyway. So foolish and dumb. A waste of all my love and light. To think someone could actually look past my insecurities and flaws was so foolish of me. I'm imperfect and I can't ever be what you want me to be. Even if I could, what kind of love is that? False love, id say. I try to tell myself it's all in my head, that you'll come back and choose me forever. Marry me, have babies with me and go all the way with me forever till we die.. But you're already gone and I'm left with nothing, again. You screwed it all up. Our almost perfect love.. Gone so suddenly yet slowly.. I don't want to fight to win you over, I should have already won that whole time, like you won my heart over completely even when you weren’t around. We were so close.. So close to reaching the highest height together .. And now it's all gone, like I knew it would be.. I wonder if you'll be okay without me, if you'll be sad without me.. If you'll think of me and cry yourself to sleep in my absence like I do. Cry yourself awake to find I’m not next to you, and won't be ever again, because I hate you. I mean nothing to you when I’m not around. I know you loved me to and I could tell by the way your eyes lit up when you looked so deep into mine.. the way you’d always care for me and take extra care of me, better than anyone else ever has before.. how you’d go the extra mile just to make me smile.. how you’d confess your love to me every chance you got, explaining how you see signs everywhere that I’m “The One” and how you dream of me “all day long”. but now it’s all gone isn’t it. Now I’ve been replaced already, and if not her than someone else at some point anyway.. it’s endless suffering here I just want to die already. I don’t love the one who claims he loves me, I love the one I truly love.. can’t go on.

Sorry Glow folks, I’m jus dealing with some depression at the moment. Backstory: I finally got pregnant with my dream guy/ soulmate’s kiddo but of course, he turned out to be a POS and demanded I don’t keep it. Why, u ask? We got into a stupid fight over his slut ass coworker and when I admitted the pregnancy to him (during the argument), he proclaimed he’d kill himself if I have his child.. even tho he literally came inside me like 100x, on purpose every time, multiple times in a row.. I know he wanted a kid with me, but this slutbag won’t stop texting him when we’re together, and she dated his best friend for 5 years.. disgusting yo. She also lives with her giant black dude boyfriend, and has 2 whole jobs, and 2 kids from diff dudes.. does she really need that extra job? Does she really need to bother my soulmate like this? This is bs. Killing me slowly in the night time, day time.. I can’t function or go to work myself, I give up. I fell so deeply in love with this asshole, I feel so stupid right now. I saw all the signs but I ignored them and fell in love anyway. He confessed his love to me in person, on numerous occasions, which is not an easy task cuz it takes a lot of vulnerability to say that shit and mean it, and it really seems like he meant it.. so this sucks. I miss him so much when he’s not around, and I still want him so badly.. I know he wants me to but I can’t go on like this knowing what he’s been doing at work.. sure I live with a guy I don’t love, who is also my coworker, but this shit sucks and it’s not fair. I want her to go away so badly. I love him so much dammit.. also, btw, I had an “induced” miscarriage kinda cuz I went to his house to talk after the argument and he shoved straight vodka down my throat so I can take a pregnancy test. He said he’d never speak to me again if I’m pregnant, luckily it came up negative but I had 5 positive tests in my bag that day so.. then the next day I had a miscarriage for my dream child.. They would’ve been born in December (we’re both Sagittarius born in December, both have green eyes n tattoos, would’ve been so sweet ugh..) but noooooo. Slutty Mc slutbag had to come along n ruin everything. Why can’t murder just be legal already? Some bitches don’t deserve to exist. I hope she gets what she deserves..