I'm not to sure why I feel this way sometimes because I know the relationship wasnt good.

It was toxic and abusive and he was abusing drugs I later found out.

I genuinely loved this man despite how he treated me. Sometimes I hate that I got a restraining order but I know it was for the best for me and my unborn child.

Last we spoke was 2/20 and I got my restraining order approved 3/20 and protected for a year.

I sometimes wonder how he's doing in life but remember when I left him he was couch surfing and getting back into drugs after being clean from getting arrested.

He quit a really good paying job and supposedly moved back in with his first baby mama and 4 year old son who he'd abused both horribly.

I don't know why I love him still. I don't know why I wish sometimes I didn't get the restraining order.

I do wish he was abetter man. I do wish he was a better partner. I do wish he was a better father but unfortunately he is none of those.

I later found out he had been to jail multiple times, had been involved with FBI shit from elementary school, and was working with police to "clear his record" by busting drug dealers.

I don't know why I still think about the man who made me feel weak. Who made me feel trapped and depressed and hopeless. The man who made sure I lost everything to try to trap me..

I'm doing better now than I was. I have 3k saved up I plan to use to get a new engine for my car.

Thankfully he could never take my family from me and I have their support 1000% and I am so very thankful for that. I work 6 days a week in a shitty restaurant job barely making 1k a month.

I'm so thankful for my family to support me the way they do.. my life is better now. Better than ever I feel in a sense.

I just can't get over the fact I sometimes wonder what life would be like if he was a better man..