I didn’t know that I was in labor, just thought it was practice contractions or gas.

9:40 pm. I stood up after peeing and like a water balloon burst I flooded the floor. My brain was screaming “your only 24 weeks pregnant, baby can’t come yet!” I stood blankly staring at the mess and cried out to my husband. We ran out the door and drove to the women’s hospital, calling ahead. I was leaking a trail of pink fluid behind. At first baby seamed fine and they worked to stop the labor but soon her heart was racing at 190 and dropping down to 60. My placenta had torn away when my water broke and baby was losing blood. The best chance of survival was an emergency classic C-section.

12:29 our daughter was born and immediately taken and put on full life support. A little while later I heard my husband calling my name when I opened my eyes the first thing I said trying to comfort him was

“Congratulations your a father and I’m a mother”

He brushed my hair back and told me that she was absolutely beautiful

When I finally got to see her she had so many tubes going in and out of her body. So ugly they looked, yet so beautiful because they where keeping our daughter alive. After a while I went back to my room to sleep I was so tired. We never got that rest because shortly after a social worker summoned us backdown to the forth floor where a room crowded with medical personnel was working desperately to get our baby’s heart going again. All to soon I saw them raping her little body in a pink blanket and placing her in my arms. She truly was beautiful.

She was everything I had ever dreamed of. And she was gone.

I am comforted in the knowledge that they did everything they could and that it was not anything I did. But if I had known that I was in labor, perhaps they could have stopped it before my water broke.

My thoughts are driving me crazy.

It’s difficult because of the surgery I can’t do anything to keep my mind busy. My husband was giving time off work but he is staying so busy with work outside. When I hurt, my brain reminds my heart and arms that they do too.

Because I’m high risk the Dr suggested I wait 18 months to try again. I just want a healthy baby already.

I don’t see how I can wait that long.