I don’t like being a mom.
I have a 6 month old daughter.
We planned her. We tried for years to conceive and after miscarriage and struggles to conceive, we had her. And she’s beautiful and strong and so full of wonder and life.
But some days, I just look at her and resent her.
Every night, I get anxious about what will happen. Will she sleep? Will she scream for hours? Will I have to hold her all night?
She is so clingy and screams if I’m not touching her.
I just want to go to the bathroom without listening to her scream.
I want to make a nice meal AND get to eat it while it’s warm.
I want to get dressed without thinking about how accessible my boobs are or at least not have to plan my entire day around nursing or pumping.
I want a clean house.
I want more than three hours of consecutive sleep.
I want to watch a movie and relax after work instead of comforting a screaming kid for four hours as she fights sleep.
I want to spend time with a friend.
Scratch that, I want time to even make a friend.
I want to have time for a hobby.
I want to drink a hot cup of tea, read a book, and be alone in my house.
But no. I work full time. Am a full time wife, house cleaner, calendar manager, bill payer, grocery shopper, cook, and now a mom.
And I can’t flipping do it.
I resent my daughter for sucking my life away.
For filling me with anxiety over nighttime.
For making my body so incredibly tense with her nonstop neediness.
For ruining my body.
For making me feel completely needed and yet completely inadequate at all times.
I regret having a baby.
I hate being a mom.
Which makes me hate myself.
To the ladies who have commented with their support, encouragement, advice, and solidarity. Thank you. I have reached out to both my OB and my daughters pediatrician and both of them keep telling me that this is normal and not something they will Medicate. Which has been confusing and frustrating and leaves me feeling really lost. But I don’t know what else to do.
To those who decided this was a good place to be hurtful and make me feel even worse for being honest (yes, even those of you who commented and then deleted your comments as soon as you got any push back), I’m sorry that’s how you choose to live your life. I’m not looking for “pity”, I’m choosing to be honest that motherhood is hard. It’s not easy for everyone. And it’s only harder when moms lie and say it’s the best thing ever, even when they are struggling. My hope was to find others so I didn’t feel alone and perhaps so those who can relate, didn’t feel so alone either.
Just because I don’t love being a mom every moment of every day doesn’t mean I don’t love my baby. And to say that she will grow up to resent me is cruel and ridiculous. Resent me for...what? For giving up every one of my waking moments to be down on the floor playing with her, feeding her, snuggling her, and helping her develop new skills?
For working my butt off every day at work even though the hours are long just so we have money saved away so “we can’t afford that” is never an option to say when she wants to do something? So she has every opportunity possible?
For holding her so she gets a good nights sleep while I sacrifice my well being and rest because she won’t sleep alone? And for losing sleep when she’s sick because I’m terrified she will stop breathing in her sleep?
For turning down social events with people because I already feel guilty that she spends all day at daycare and I’d rather use the money we would spend on a sitter to save for her college?
For taking days off work to drive two hours to her pediatrician every time she is sick because the sight of her suffering breaks my heart?
For raising her in a messy home because when faced with the choice to clean or play with her, I choose her?
For breastfeeding her even though I’ve dealt with clogs, mastitis, and an abscessed breast because of it and continuing even though it hurts like hell?
Just because Im struggling, doesn’t mean I’m failing. Just because I’m open, honest, and vulnerable that I’m grieving my old life doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom. Actually, I’m a damn good mom. So take your mean, hateful comments elsewhere
And to those women who have been here, who understand, and who have been shamed and felt all alone? You’re not alone. This parenting this is hard. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to not always be okay.