I had a really awful birth experience... I’m a ftm & my baby wound up being 11lbs 11oz & breech... she wound up needing to be a c-section due to escalating pre-eclampsia & I am absolutely petrified of being cut open.

I had a panic attack the whole procedure & hardly remember it, I’m pretty sure I have some sort of PTSD surrounding the whole procedure as any time I even try and think about it I burst out in tears...

I didn’t get to hold her much, they did skin to skin (which was them laying her on my face so I couldn’t breathe) but I was so out of it I can’t even remember the experience other than none of it feeling real.

My husband cried tears of joy and I felt empty & hollow inside.

I then went to recovery & was there for 4 hours.

Everybody got to hold my baby except for me.

I was still really sick by the time we finally got to the same room, and I was hurting too much to hold her. My husband consoled her all night for me. I got maybe 10 minutes with her.

Then she was whisked off to NICU. I was kept in hospital for an extra week. It was really hard for me to go to the NICU to see my baby, & holding such a heavy girl was next to impossible.

I felt really disconnected from her and the whole experience. Like week long shock.

It’s going on two weeks in NICU, & now when I try to hold my baby she wails & doesn’t recognize me...

She coos at her dad & now I get anxious every time I want to hold her. My own baby hates me, & I know I’m not helping my husbands stress levels by letting it effect me this much, but I feel so fucking alone.

I started taking my old anti-depressants again, but idk what to do. I don’t want to be involved in this situation at all. I’m trying so hard to be strong and keep pumping breastmilk for her.

We can’t breast feed either, because of these forced feedings in the NICU she’s developing an oral aversion, so the odds of her coming home any time soon have been extended even longer.

My husband isn’t getting parental leave (because of how long he’s been at his job, not enough hours)

I know this isn’t about me but everyone always says the birth of your first child is supposed to be the best day of your life but I can’t name a time that I’ve ever been so fucking miserable and disconnected.

Most of my “friends” aren’t people I’d be comfortable talking to this kind of stuff about; although I’m not a generally very emotional person either (as in I’m incredibly uncomfortable talking to anybody about any of this. I clam up.)

I feel so fucked up & can’t stop crying. Like this has been the worst experience in my life so far. My own baby hates me.