My boyfriend makes me sad but is tired of me being sad

Hi everyone, this is probably going to sound infantile. I’m 22 and have been with my boyfriend for three years. We’re about to graduate college together in a week and I’m going to live with him in his family’s home until we can afford to move somewhere else.

I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a long time. I was abused by mother my entire life and then separated from her right before I graduate high school. When I met my boyfriend freshman year of college, I was very honest with him that I’ve been alone and hurt my entire life. No friends and no family. He promised me he would never hurt me and would be there for me no matter what. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. For the past three years he hasn’t treated me well. Mentally and verbally abusing me to such an extreme that I was suicidal for many months. I stay because when he loves me, everything is amazing. But when he is angry at me, he turns into my worst nightmare. I guess I am also used to abuse, because of my mom. So when he says or does or awful things to me, I rationalize it.

I probably sound like just another dumb girl. He admits that how he has treated me is wrong and makes more promises to be better, but then doesn’t. When I tell him that he hasn’t done something he said he would, he gets angry that I’m complaining or that I always have something negative to say. When I cry because he hurts me, he gets angrier because he’s tired of me being so sad and he doesn’t want to deal with it. I have very little feelings of self worth and have nowhere else to live after graduation (he lives in a big city and my job is in the city), so I am accepting this. Please do not tell me to leave him because I won’t.

I need advice mostly on how I can work through my own trauma while bothering him as little as possible. He tells me I can be open and tell him my feelings and cry if I need to (I cry a lot), but when I do, he tells me I’m always starting problems and he’a tired of hearing how sad I am. I don’t want him to hate me anymore like my mom did. He’s my only friend and family. What are some coping mechanisms you guys use to get through your sadness? And how do you forgive and forget what your partner has done to you so that you aren’t so weak and sad going forward? Thanks guys....