It feels like almost every part of my life has been ripped to shreds. One bad thing again and again and I’m having the hardest time finding solace. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression through middle school, high school, and college but always managed it by distractions, staying busy and productive. This month turned my life upside down and I don’t know where to go from here.

My husband and I had planned a short road trip/vacation at the beginning of April, just to get away from work & life and be with each other since I would’ve been 7-8 months pregnant for our wedding anniversary. Less than three hours on the road and my car’s transmission starts locking up at 4th/5th gear so we cancelled our much needed vacay.

Our first ultrasound was scheduled to be the day after we returned. The radiologist informed us the baby was measuring almost a month behind what we expected and there was no heartbeat. The same day as the ultrasound, I also got fired from the job I had been at for almost 4 years, a job a loved and had worked up the ladder to become management.

After three rounds of 48 hour Hcg labs, my hormone levels were dropping and my midwife confirmed we didn’t have a viable pregnancy. I opted to pass naturally (because my insurance lapsed from being fired). It took nearly two weeks but I started spotting and cramping. I was cleaning my tub to run a bath when I felt what I could only guess was my water breaking - a pop and gush of fluid that wasn’t blood. I poured out blood and tissue for nearly two hours after that while my husband was at work. I watched what little tissue our baby had developed be flushed down the toilet.

Only two days later, my transmission blows on me while driving in-town, completely making me immobile.

Here I am, unemployed, grieving, and stuck at home to mostly deal with this myself. My husband and family are trying to be supportive but they just don’t seem to understand how hard ALL of this is weighing on me because I’ve always been the “just gotta keep moving, keep working, doing what you’re supposed to” type person. I really need to be working, but can’t get a job unless I have reliable transportation. My mother in law offered to let me borrow her car until we can figure out if we can get a decent loan, but her car is a standard and I just feel like I do not have the mental capacity to try and learn to shift gears manually.

All I can keep doing is telling myself it will work out, everything will be fine, but I don’t even believe myself. These bumps in the road seem like mountains that won’t move.

Thank you to anyone who actually read all of this. I mostly just needed to get it out of my head in a place where I know more people will be understanding than regular social media.