A morning for a trans teen (ftm)

I wake up by my alarm across the room of course I go back to sleep with an asmr video until my dad wakes me I think about the top surgery videos I watched yesterday

I go to the shower and look at. Myself? Well they look pretty similar

I can’t wash my hair or it will wet my binder all day and I won’t be able to get it on

I de personafiying myself don’t hate myself as much only when others see me

I get on my $80 from gc2b I think about top surgery and T if dad sees it I’m done they know the brand even though they offered to get me one when I didn’t use my left hand for two years

I can’t run in the binder I can’t exercise I can’t bend but I’m flat and that makes it worth it

Though I look down it looks so different but I have to trust that it’s flat enough

I ask my mum to help make lunch since I got out of the shower late

She gets the pink lunch box I put it back in the cupboard feeling sick then she puts cheese there I put it back

I wonder if anything here is hurting me infecting me more

It’s years before I can start Testosterone or get Top surgery it’s the first thing on my mind and the last every single day

I need to get a job so I can start saving up but I’m worried about the workload since I’ll have to bind

My mum says hi (deadname) Who is that OH it’s me

I’ve disconnected from my name because it’s feminine

I’ve disconnected from myself for that reason too

I can’t feel

All my teenage years are going to go by just worrying about this every single day

It’s on my mind everything about being trans over and over I can’t even look at myself with long hair I’m so glad I cut it

Hey ad least my face passes and theres people at the shop who I pass with