Help!!!

Hi i think i need help,when i was around 5yrs old my parents used to leave me with my neighbors..one time this neighbor took me to his bedroom showed me his penis,asked me to kiss it nd after that its all blurr after whatever happened/didn't happen he gave me sweets nd food like always to make me forget...nd i did ..only it stuck with me because i get very uncomfortably around men nd told myself i might have dreamt it.nd a lot of things cause me to feel like i really hate myself nd want to die...my boyfriend sometimes triggers those feelings nd i don't know what to do nd i can't even breath properly when

I feel that way...i often feel worthless /unwanted nd undeserving nd feel like he'll leave me coz he can tell im worthless...it can last for weeks or jst a day sometimes

I was wondering how i can

Stop feeling this

Way im afraid I'm gona

gonna ruin my relationship nd life

Pls help with ideas

I need to know how to be okay