After more than 2 looong long years of trying for a baby. 2 days before Ramadhaan I found out that I was pregnant. Me and my husband were in absolute disbelief and it took a few days just to wrap our heads round the thought that I was pregnant! We were so so happy and relieved. We looked at baby clothes, talked about names, and planned out our future with the new baby. The minute I saw the two lines on the test, I started to fall in love with my baby. I loved seeing those lines so much that I took a test every single day just to see them again. But we always kept it in the back of our minds that this may not end as we had hoped.

Well, Thursday afternoon the thing we dreaded the most- happened. I started to see blood and went to the hospital, they wouldn’t say anything then.

That bond a mother has with her child is so strong, you immediately feel attached to your baby and start to love them so much, so early. They are literally attached to you and the same goes for your heart. You know when you can just tell that you’re pregnant even before that test tells you?

It’s the same when that baby is gone and all their little signs to ‘hello, I’m here’ slowly fade away. When both the funny signs like strange smells and crying for no reason and difficult ones like back ache drift away, you just know. When your sickness slowly fades away, you just know. You just know your baby is gone even before the doctor tells you.

Yesterday morning I woke up bleeding and later in the day the crushing cramps in my back and in the abdomen started too. We went back to the hospital with the update and they told us that there’s a very low chance the baby will survive.

08:12 this morning, Saturday 18th May. I got a call from the hospital this morning confirming that I’m loosing the baby.

The only memories I have is the pregnancy tests and pictures I took of them, but I wish I’d taken more pictures.

To my baby; you never had a name, I never smelt your comforting baby smell, I never saw your face, and will forever wonder what you would have looked like. But alhamdulilah Allah has saved me from ever seeing you sick or sad or in pain by letting the first time I see you be in heaven in your most beautiful form with the most beautiful fragrance, in a place where there is no sadness.

To my friends and family; Just hearing the truth from the doctor and confirmation of what you already know is comforting because it means I can now start to heal and move on. I know you all want to make me feel better and tell me it’s all going to be okay but nothing can heal the pain right now except complaining to The One who gives life and death. I don’t know what I help me, I’m still figuring it out. I’m still trying to work through the physical pain. I don’t need pity, and I don’t really want to see anyone or talk to anyone about it. If I do, I’ll reach out. As annoying as it is, this is how I cope with things and everyone copes differently. If you send any messages in the following week don’t expect a reply. I just need time and space to heal at the moment.

Also know that I am happy for all of you who have children or who are expecting children. May Allah continue to bless your families and make them righteous. What’s happened to me doesn’t take away the happiness I have for you guys as we love for your brother what you love for yourself. But right now I can’t stand to see the sight of a pram or a or even say the word pregnant. It makes me feel sick, it makes me shiver. So I will be a bit more sensitive to those topics right now. Only time will make that go away.

All of this will only make that day when I get to hold my child for the first time so much sweeter.

We all know that Allah is The Best of Planners, He only tests those whom He loves, He has made any pain or sadness or illness that a believer goes through an expiation of sins, He doesn’t burden the soul more than it can bear, He sees and hears everything.

In my short life I’ve already gone though so many trials that I never ever thought I could handle but every single time I’ve been proven wrong. This is one those trials I never thought I’d have the strength for, loosing a baby, but I hope I’ll be proven wrong again. Hopefully one day I’ll be strong enough again to help someone else through this.

This is all just a reminder of why we were created - which is to worship Him alone.

Our children are just a trust to us in this world, a blessing given to us by Allah to help them grow and to <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.nurture">nurture</a> them. Likewise they are test, and one day they will leave our houses. As much as well feel that they are ‘ours’ in reality- to Him we belong and to Him we will return.