Am I wrong for being angry with my husband?

Question

First, I’m mad in love and our marriage is stable, but I’m secretly a bit angry with him.

We have been trying to conceive for a year. If any of you have struggled with fertility you’ll understand what the last year has done to me. It has brought me to a level of legit clinical depression that I have never experienced. It’s like life stopped when I started trying to conceive and my entire focus and hopes and dreams are all on 2 illusive pink lines that never come.

I’ve told him since we started trying for a babe to stop drinking. He isn’t an alcoholic or a heavy drinker but he drinks more than the recommended amount when trying to conceive. He made jokes and laughed about how “his boys” are strong. So we finally had our fertility workup and after me going through countless probes shoved up my vagina and painful dye tests we find out “his boys” are not so strong after all.

I’m not even sure our fertility issues are 100% bc of his drinking. He may have another issue or we may have an unknown factor, but all my tests came back normal.

He quit drinking now and we are scheduled for an

. Our RE also said his drinking may or may not have been a factor but advised him to stop now.

Am I being a bitch for being angry with him? Part of me thinks he has no control over fertility problems, but the research on alcohol consumption (THAT I INFORMED HIM OF) says it could have played a big factor....and that is a lifestyle choice, not an “out of my control” factor. I haven’t told him I’m a bit angry with him bc I feel guilty for it.

Accepted Answer

What if the roles were reversed? And it had come back that you had a fertility issue? 
I’d really try to let go of your anger - he has stopped drinking - and make sure you give as much love and support as possible. You are in this together! 
Good luck!

Answer

Yes I think you are wrong for being angry. You don’t know why his “boys” aren’t strong and don’t just assume it’s over alcohol. I know plenty of couples who have conceived and their husband drank a few every once in a while.

Answer

Being angry will not help you move forwards and get the results you want. 
You may want to figure out how to let it go and focus on what’s next. It is not ok to blame him because it’s simply going to make you angrier as you guys keep trying. 
Also...do you really want him to feel at fault for this? Think about what that can do to him; frankly, I’m sure he feels insecure and a little less of a man right now because of those results. I think he needs your support. 
Also, heavy drinking is what influences it, not casual.

Answer

How long has he been drinking ? Also I think it’s a little unfair to be mad at him for his fertility issues when you don’t know why . What if it was you with the fertility issues and he was mad at you for it ? I think as a couple you need to both be there for each other and support one another Instead of being mad and blaming him .

Answer

I get it. Your exhausted, hurt, frustrated, and  sad. And that’s okay. But even some healthy couples with inconclusive results don’t conceive, and are eventually diagnosed with unexplained infertility. I was like this when TTC it was way to overwhelming for me. But you shouldn’t be mad at your husband. It’s very unlikely that his drinking has impacted his “boys”. Hopefully you guys can get some better answers. Good luck with IUI! I hope things get better for you.

Answer

Alcohol is really unlikely to be the problem, and he already feels bad enough—that’s why he quit. 
So I wouldn’t be upset, his actions probably had nothing to do with not conceiving.

Answer

I think your anger is misplaced and not fair. I get that you are frustrated but he doesn’t need to be your punching bag. My partner is an alcoholic and was active when we conceived both our kids... it really isnt that big of a factor.

Answer

I get why it would be frustrating, it seemed as if he wasn’t as dedicated or serious about it. But he probably just wanted to unwind and honestly most guys don’t want to change that much about their lives to try and have a kid. But it’s not his fault though, neither of you knew he was the one who might have been struggling with fertility abilities, and you should be supportive and encouraging of him. I mean, that could be pretty damaging to any ego thinking that you were responsible potentially for your spouse not being able to have the family they wanted. So just try to be grateful and encouraging of all the effort hes putting in now to try and conceive

Answer

I wouldn't be angry at him for fertility issues. 
But...If you were both just getting started with TTC and "seeing how it goes" then no. But if you'd made changes to your lifestyle to increase health etc, I wpuld be at least a little pissed if he didn't put in effort as well, since this is a decision you made together.

Answer

me and my husband have been ttc for 4 years. we are BOTH perfectly normal in all our test. think about how frustrating that is. we don’t drink, we’ve never done drugs (not even weed), we are very straight laced in that sense. 
you don’t really have a right to get mad at him because the alcohol consumption could totally not be a problem. 🤷🏼‍♀️
you would really think it was fair if the roles were reversed and he was mad at you.. 
be kind to one another.

Am I wrong for being angry with my husband?

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