Visited my daughters grave Saturday
I had a random breakdown over the smallest of things as I always do on days that I’m having a bad day ...I lost my daughter April 23 - she was a still born at 5 months
She was buried in a garden specifically for children called the innocence garden ...every time I’m driving to her grave I’m crying, bawling like a crazy person but, as soon as I arrive for some odd reason my hysteria subsides and I regain my composure
I exit the car, sit beside my daughters grave for 20-30 minutes with my husband and I shed a few tears before making a small prayer to God
In my faith, Islam...we don’t really pray for babies or children that pass away because they’re already in the highest level of 7th heaven so, instead we pray that we are good enough people to one day join them ...we say that all children & babies who pass away regardless of faith, race or creed wait at the gates of heaven, taken care of by prophet Abraham(peace and blessings be upon him)- God tells those babies and children to enter the gates of heaven everyday and everyday they tell God “I’ll wait for my parents and we will enter together” that’s so comforting for me but, I know I have to make it up there to be with her again. When you pass away, your child who passed away will drag you into heaven by its umbilical cord.
After I visit my daughter, I usually walk around and visit the graves of the other little children in the garden. I read their names, dates, little prayers and sayings on their plaques. In my faith, we don’t put plaques, names or dates...we simply just put a small rock on the head of the grave so, we know where it is. We saw a few graves without any plaques and most with plaques. I imagined the lives of all these parents and I cried for every single one of them. Whenever I read plaques that ended with “love, mom and dad” a part of me just broke for them. I saw many still born babies but, I also saw children who passed at a very young age- some at 2 days old and some at 9 years old.
We knew our daughter was going to pass when I went into labour but, my OB said that she may be born alive, take a few breaths and then pass. I know it sounds horrible but, my husband and I prayed to God, that God if you’re going to take our daughter, please let her pass where she’s the safest, happiest and warm, in her mothers womb rather than struggle to take breaths in this world. Sure enough, God answered our prayers and she passed before birth. I know it’s selfish but, I can’t imagine the hurt and pain of those who have to count those breaths before slowly watching it decline or those that spend 9 years with their child, bonding and raising them for all of a sudden to lose that child.
Life is just weird sometimes and I wish it was different.