I sometimes wonder if I made the wrong decision.

The decision to free myself from you.

I think about you every now and again and today while cleaning, I found a photo of us. I wasn't able to throw it away, instead I tucked it away in a drawer.

I sometimes wonder if the restraining order was necessary. I'm protected from you for a year.

I wonder how you are doing, I wish you would post on Facebook more..

I sometimes want to talk to you about my pregnancy with our son. I know you were so excited..

I feel sad that you won't know when he's born or where it will be at and even if you did, you wouldn't be allowed to come.

I feel sad that we started off so good but everything soon turned to shit and I started to resent you.

Drugs got the better of you and you wouldn't stop. You became absuive towards me and your 4 year old son from a previous relationship.

Your truth you wanted to hide from me soon surfaced. You liked to me about who you were, so that's why you kept me a secret even though we lived together. You kept my pregnancy a secret from everybody you knew while you forced me to talk about it with my family or else you'd say such horrible things to me. Being in your life meant I was in danger at all times because of what you had done in your past. People came after us. People came after your 4 year old son and his mother because of you and your drugs.

I sometimes wonder why I stayed with you for so long and dealt with the abuse. I hoped you would get better but you never did.

When I left you, you left the apartment we had and the dog you'd brought home. You never went back after I left. You started couch surfing and living from your car. You could afford where we lived and made yourself better.

I sometimes wonder why you accused me of cheating when you were the one talking to other girls and chatting them up. It was you, not me. I'd stay at home sick from my first trimester while you were out doing who knows what.

I sometimes wonder.. did I really love you? Or did I just love the idea of you. The idea you painted for me when we first met. You loved everything I loved. We had amazing adventures which was all I wanted.

That all stopped when we started living together. You abused me. You abused the people you claimed to love.

I sometimes wonder if someday we can be together.. maybe someday you can meet our son when he's older. Maybe you'll have grown up as well and cleaned your life up.

I just wonder..

I wonder what could have been and will never be.