I hide how I feel and maybe always will

My husband is wonderful in so many ways...but early on in our relationship and even now though it's not as often he is emotionally awful. Maybe even abusive. Especially when mad. Early on when he would get mad he would ask me questions about why I did something or how I felt but over and over tell me I was wrong and to give him the right answer and I remember bawling and being so desperate to give him the "right" answer but it never being good enough then later I would have to beg his forgiveness. After a while of that I just stopped responding as a way of protecting myself.

That was when I chose to stop fighting in anyway. I don't engage in arguments at all anymore.

So we don't really argue. He gets mad I shut down.

Another thing he used to do when he was angry was take advantage of my vulnerability. When we would argue and I so desperately wanted to stop arguing and stop hurting and be loving he would mock me. Make fun of how desperate I was and how much I needed him.

So now I'm not vulnerable. He gets no emotion.

For our engagement he proposed to me in an over the top YouTube worthy way with a custom made ring. And our whole engagement I felt like I was moving towards a "perfect" future where I felt completely alone. Our wedding was wonderful but I passed out on our wedding night because I had no desire to have sex with him.

We have a son. We have been together seven years now.

He tells me all the time that he loves me. He hugs me and asks me to cuddle and be close and I feel absolutely nothing. The rare times we have sex (maybe once a month at most) I shut my eyes and try to imagine I'm with someone else. I oftentimes hope he will cheat so that will allow me to get out of my marriage with a reason. But then again I don't want to break apart my family.

Somedays things are good and I don't feel so sad, but sometimes I feel sad for weeks and I just put on a strong happy face like nothing is wrong. When I'm asked why I seem down or out of it I just say I'm tired or stressed from work. Just hoping that maybe he will see through it.

I am not in love with him. I wasn't in love when we said our vows. I once tried to tell him how I felt and he told me I was wrong and it was impossible for me to feel that way because it would mean his life was a lie.

Do you know how many women want my husband? The amount of women I had to beat away with a stick when we got together? He's charming and talented and smart.

But it's all a lie. And I wonder how long I can keep up this charade because it's all my fault that we have been living this lie and I can't let him know or else it would make me a bad person.

I don't expect actual help. I expect a lot of nasty words and judgements. But I needed to get these thoughts out.