I found out that I was pregnant a few years ago. It wasn’t planned and I got pregnant on birth control. I had been on birth control for 3 years at the time I found out. I found out, stressed about it for a few days and then lost the pregnancy. Boom boom I didn’t even have time to process anything. I’m somewhat convinced that my reaction to finding out caused me to lose the baby because I was so shocked and I panicked and remember feeling the fear physically in my body and didn’t know how to tell anyone I barely even had the time to make a doctors appointment. 1. I was panicking because I was pregnant on birth control and thinking my birth control and the medicine I was on for a chronic illness would cause horrible birth defects to my baby. When I went to the doctor to confirm that I was really pregnant and that I was really miscarrying. I did not feel sad.

I didn’t feel relieved. I wasn’t happy or unhappy. I was just indifferent. I still feel that way years later and I don’t know if that makes me a bad person. Yes I’m convinced that my stress and shock caused me to miscarry but I do not blame myself for that because I was 19 years old and had nothing and I’m only human. I was just scared. Sometimes I forget that this even happened and that is what makes me feel shitty. Should I feel bad? Should I have mourned? What’s wrong with me?