HELP NO SEX AGAIN
My bf is 26 and I’m 24, we’ve been together 7 years monogamously. We’ve talked about marriage and children, so we’re serious. 3 years ago I noticed our sex life change. He doesn’t EVER initiate, if he does (which is super rare) it’s always awkward and he says “I want to hump you” or just says “come here” and pulls his pants down. It’s a turn off.
Sometimes he will get hard and then go soft as we start doing stuff and he gets frustrated and I say it’s ok and that we can try again later but later never comes. We go through spurts of time where it seems things are getting better and then it goes right back to being this way.
When we have sex, there’s little to no foreplay towards me. Very unenthusiastic or rushed fingering and I will give him head. I’ll give him head if I’m on my period and can’t have sex (so I don’t get off fully from it) but there are never times that I get sexual pleasure without him getting something. I’ve had an orgasm once from sex with him... if things start being directed to mainly me he loses his erection.
He also has this thing for fluids that bothers him. He doesn’t like his cum on him at all, he doesn’t go down on me because having my lubrication on his tongue grosses him out. One time I squirted on him unexpectedly and he totally freaked out and said he was grossed out (which was super embarrassing feeling for me and made me feel horrible). If he fingers me before sex, I’ve noticed him holding his hand funny to not get anything on the bed or something when he penetrates me but haven’t said anything about it.
I’ve tried sexting him and he’s awkward. His replies are usually emojis “❤️🙈” or “you’re so bad” and the conversation gets changed by him.
I don’t have a problem with porn at all, I watch it alone and have said we could even watch together. My problem is that he never reaches out to me and just watches it and gets himself off every time he gets into a sexual mood when we aren’t together (because I’m excluded even more from our sexual relationship)... like I said I don’t care about porn but the only reason it’s a problem is because he NEVER tries to initiate sexting or anything like that with me. I’ve asked him about this and he says “I didn’t know I had to tell you for the once in a blue moon time I did that”, which wasn’t even what I was saying (He got super defensive when I brought this up a long time ago and I haven’t brought it up since and still nothing has changed).
We’ve had SO MANY dry spells and we’re having one again (1 month). We’ve tried sex therapy (went once and it just made him mad because he wasn’t fully comfortable with it — I asked if he was open to it before going and he said he was, so I didn’t force him and we stopped after the first one because I didn’t want to push him).
I’ve bought sexy lingerie, I’ve bought sex toys, I’ve tried role playing, I ask him what I do that particularly gets him off and he says all of it, I ask him what I do that maybe isn’t something he prefers sexually and he says nothing he likes all of it (so I have no direction on what to do).
He’s gone to the doctor and he has no hormone problems.
I’ve tried talking to him so many times to figure this out because sex makes me feel connected to him (it’s not everything but I feel it’s important). This last time I said that we never have sex or do anything sexual to just me, something always has to be done to him for anything to happen at all (this is the first time I’ve told him this because I finally realized this). He said “Why can’t we ever just be happy? Something always has to be wrong. You’re always the one bringing things up in our relationship. Something always comes up like every 6 months.” I said to him “Aren’t you supposed to talk about things in the relationship if you’re not getting what you need? Communicating with you partner is how you grow together. It’s how you figure out where each person is at so you can understand each other and I bring things up to see how you feel about them and so I can tell you how I’m feeling.”
I always tread lightly whenever I bring things up to him because he gets defensive and I do my best to be mindful of my wording to not blame him or come across as judgemental. I always tell him that I just want to have a discussion if I bring something up and that I’m just trying to understand, not to attack him. I always tell him that it’s ok to feel however he’s feeling and it’s ok for me to feel however I feel.
I firmly believe that you should be able to be open with your partner without fear of judgement and be able to have neutral conversations without it being about people having “sides.”
My last relationship was very abusive and this man is worlds different than the last. I’m worried that maybe I’ve just thought this relationship was great because it’s so different from the last and I’m worried that maybe I’m just an asshole because he says I’m always the one bringing things up.
We’re supposed to be moving in together later this year because his work is moving out to my city (30 mins away from his city), if we didn’t move in together he’d have no way to get to work because he doesn’t have a car (but he has his license) and busing would take him hours and the buses don’t run early enough for him to make it to work on time. I’m worried that if I ended things with him that I wouldn’t find anyone else and that I’d be a horrible person for leaving him stranded. I just feel so confused and the sex part is just one part of the relationship that’s not the greatest, maybe this relationship isn’t as good as I thought? I don’t know, I’m so confused. My family doesn’t think he has much to offer, we rarely go out and do things because he feels quality time is staying in bed all weekend or playing video games together (I’m more outdoorsy, so I feel the opposite and have tried compromising with this too but we still spend all our time just staying at home doing nothing). And my best friend thinks I can do better.
The things I like about him is that he’s affectionate to me, he’s “taken care of me” as in paid for us to have food on the weekends and has been paying for us to go out this last 3 years while I’ve been studying full-time in college (which he didn’t have to do).
Idk sometimes I think he just says the right things but doesn’t back them up with his actions and then sometimes I feel like maybe I’m just overthinking everything or am being unfair to him.
Sorry for such a long post, I just don’t know who to talk to.