I’m nearly 15 years old.

My first time was yesterday. It happened in the woods.

It was all consensual on everything. protection was brought.

But the thing is I don’t know if my hymn broke or not.

According to him I’m very small and was only able to fit the tip in even after a lot of pain.

That’s okay with me. At least I tried.

I’m taking a mental health day today and just played back everything a billion times.

On the way to the spot I found a butterfly and picked it up. I’ve always been scared of them but for some reason I wasn’t today. When we got there..it flew away and that’s when he began holding me. Looking back on it now that butterfly was a symbol of the last thing I could call my own.

It didn’t feel right to be touched this way like I’ve been touched with women I like. I felt so out of place and while talking to my Non binary friend about this, they say it’s like dysphoria. The whole time we were there..I didn’t look at him. I covered my face or closed my eyes. I was thinking about the girl I like. She’s gentle and caring and I feel so incredibly safer with her then I did here. At this point I don’t want to be touched by a male for a very very long time.

I’m so grateful two of my very good friends waited until I got out of the woods to care for me. I don’t know what I’d do without them. They helped me walk up the hill to one of There houses, gave me pain killer, we ate dinner there and watched a cheesy 80s movie. When I got home I took a very long shower and pleaded to Lady Venus for guidance. (I’m pagan) I didn’t realize it then but I was crying.

Today I decided to take a mental health day. Sometimes I just need to stay home because of stress. Everything hurts from my waist down. It’s hard to stretch or go to the bathroom. I’m worried rumors are spreading in school. I only told the people that are very very very close to me and asked them to not share it with anyone. But I’m scared the boy will. I’ve asked him not to share it but I’m not at school to see that he won’t. It makes me so angry because it’s my virginity my business.

Anyways..if you made it this far to the end, thank you so much for listening. May the spirits be in your favor. I just needed to vent this out. I need guidance in some way..some support and even if you feel that way..negativity. Please feel free to share a story like this in the comments if you feel safe doing so. And one last thing...is there any good movies to watch while I’m on my mental health day? Kinda need something to do.