So lost, need help 🙁

anonymous

I’m here for help not judgement, please don’t judge my story!

So me and my husband have been together for 6 years, at the beginning of the year I became very close with a work colleague, it was friendly at first but one night it led to going back to his hotel room on a work trip. I got myself to the point of sleeping with him, but the minute it started I stopped it because I felt so guilty and left and cut off all contact. I lived with the secret for a few months, it tore me up inside so badly that I got myself to a state of depression and wanting to kill myself because I knew what I did to my husband was so wrong and I love him. Fast forward and I’m now pregnant with my husbands baby, I was so so happy I felt like I’d been given a second chance, but it just made me feel so so so much guilt about what I had done. So I decided I should tell my husband about my actions in the hope he can forgive me.

It’s been a week and it doesn’t look like he is going to forgive me, I feel so so so so awful, I know I fucked up and made a mistake and I will never ever do it again, but he doesn’t think the baby is his and wants to break up, I’m at such a low again, I know this is my fault but I already feel so much guilt and remorse for my actions that I know it will stop me from doing it again but I don’t know how to convince him of it!

I’ve thought about killing myself, I’ve started counselling but nothing is helping me deal with this or fight these awful feelings. One hour he says he loves me and will work it out and we are sleeping together again and the next hour he is calling me all the names under the sun and he’s talking to other women, I’m finding it hard to cope. Please help 😭