I just have to get this out of my head before it sends me over edge.

Monday night my husband and I invited another couple over to drink and hang out for the holiday. The wife of that couple had never played beer pong, so we played for her. Guys vs. Girls. To make it fun, we did betting on the losers. One of the bets was if the girls lost, we had to wear our discrete vibrators for the rest of the night. So as nature would have it, we lost. We had bought a new remote vibrator a few weeks before and hadn't used it yet, so I wasnt sure of its "capabilities" ...well apparently I wasnt knowing of the comfortability either. Half way through the last game with it in, it started to hurt more than feel good. It had 2 ends, where you could put the bigger end inside the vagina and have the smaller end in your ass, or resting on your clit. Well, the thick wire that connected the two is too long, so no matter how I had it placed, it just didn't sit right at all. But none the less, I toughed through the last game.

Niave me thought that since games and fun was over, and we're picking up for the night, that it would be okay to take it out. My friend turned hers off, as well. I guess I should have assumed that if the deal was for "the rest of the night" that meant the literal rest of the night, and not for the rest of the night hanging out and drinking.

Well, my husband got PISSED. Pouted the entire time cleaning up. I explained to him why I took it out, but that didn't matter. I broke a deal. I get it.

We come inside to finish putting stuff away, and he just let's loose. Says that as long as I got off that's all that mattered, and how he doesnt even want to fuck me now because I cant even let him control a remote vibrator without bitching.

So now I'm mad that he even said those things.

The fight escalates to the point of him kicking me out. I go to our outside storage to grab the suitcases and he locks me out. Says I can come in when a cop let's me in after I call the cops. Me thinking, I'm smart or something, I had my keys on me, so i just unlocked the door. He blocks the door. I tell him just let me get the kids and our stuff and we'll be out of his hair. He let's me in but then starts saying the suitcase is his. I tell him if he wants it, he can ask for it in court, and proceed to carry it upstairs to our bedroom. He follows me up, repeating himself about it being his suitcase. So I say fine, than let me get the other smaller ones out from inside the one he claims to be his. He says no, and tries to pull the suitcase away from me. I should have just let go, but I didn't.. causing me to fall into his bedside table.

He opens the suitcase and takes the smaller one out and throws it down the stairs. Breaks the two plastic wheels. I go down to get the suitcase, bring it back up and start packing. Hes saying I'm giving up on our family. And at that point, I was. I was tired of being the mistake of our marriage. I should have just stopped, and gave time for both of us to cool down, but I just kept packing and crying anyways. To stop me from packing, he picks me up and slams me on the bed and refuses to let me go. I should have done what he said and just stopped to talk, but i couldnt. All i could do was continue to cry and tell him to let me go. I was too mad and upset. I make a stupid unnecessary remark about him using his size to control me. He says he does control me, because he owns me. I'm his wife. To try to diffuse me, he starts kissing on my lips and neck. Then i knew where this was going. I tried to calm down enough to be able to calmly ask him to let me go, but I couldnt stop crying. I have this terrible habit where when my emotions get too strong in any way, it translates to my brain for me to just cry. I hate it. Despite my requests tho, he continues to pull my shorts aside and finger me. It doesnt feel good or pleasurable, it just fucking hurts.

I have endo and pcos, and my vagina was already uncomfortable from the vibrator, so it just hurt even more when he starts to aggressively finger me. I tell him it hurts and he says he doesnt care. That I'm his wife and I need to make him happy. By this time, I've asked so many times to stop and let me go, my voice is absolutely raw, so I just continue to stupidly cry until hes done. Whiskey dick didnt allow him to cum, so I just had to endure until he was just done. When he was done, he rolled over and went to sleep. I didnt sleep that night.

I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I feel myself crawling in my own skin just itching to get out of it. I knew I should have just toughed the night with the vibrator until he was ready for me to stop using it. Part of me knew this would happen, but I ignored my better judgement and all it got me was bruises, a broken bedside table and this void i cant seem to ignore despite every effort possible. I know eventually i can move past this, but I'm really struggling.

These are some of the bruises I took pictures of once he fell asleep. They were faint then. Idky I did, I just felt theyd be a good reminder to sit pretty and shut up.

I'm sorry this was so long.. I just needed to talk about it. I cant tell my parents or close friends because they'll flip the fuck out, but I also cant cope in solitude.