Adoption preferences UPDATED

So... I have been feeling led to adopt at some point in my life. I have been wanting to adopt since I was 12. I have researched different countries and other possibilities from here (America). I have a strong feeling for India, but I’m still not even sure I would be able to adopt. My husband says that if we buy a home and he feels we’re financially able, AND if we have no kids by that time, he says we could start pursuing it. So it’s still a big IF factor.

Now to my issue: kids with special needs.

My husband agrees with me on this but I still feel guilty, even when he says I shouldn’t feel that way.

I don’t feel I can handle adopting a child with developmental disabilities.

I’m not talking missing a limb or being paralyzed in some way, or being deaf or blind or mute. Those I’m sure I could handle somehow. I just don’t believe I could have the strength to raise a child who has low functioning Autism or Down’s syndrome. I have no problems with people with either of those. I grew up around a lot of people with developmental disabilities.

My dad works for a company that provides group homes and caregivers for people with those difficulties. He is a caregiver himself, and would bring me to work sometimes. So it’s not that I have an issue with the people (been trying not to say “those people” it sounds wrong). I just cannot find it in myself to purposely pick a child with that degree of need and try to be emotionally and mentally and physically available for them. I feel like a horrible person for saying that, but it’s true.

Now, if I had a child naturally with that degree of need, of course I would keep them. Of course I would try to be that available. Because I would never give up a child with that degree of need just because. Again, i feel horrible for preferences.

But I think it comes down to my dad.

Yes, my dad is a caregiver for people developmental disabilities... but he was not a great dad. Anytime my brother and I were a little slow, he would compare us to the people he took care of. Saying we acted like them in a rude way.

Anyway. It is different when you give birth to the child to when you adopt, right? This is where it feels controversial to me. I am open to adopting a kid with some small form of special needs. Learning disabilities, hearing problems, small developmental delays, Aspergers, paralysis, vision problems, etc. It’s just the bigger ones, I don’t think we could handle financially and/or emotionally/mentally....

It honestly makes me feel horrible. I can even hear my dad telling me I should because he’s all about image. Really, I know it wouldn’t be out of his kind heart, he would want to brag to coworkers how amazing his daughter is for adopting a paraplegic girl from China with Down’s syndrome, despite financial hardships.

Just like he bragged to people at church about me not kissing until I was married (even when I was no longer a virgin... but he didn’t know that. But it became very clear he didn’t want me kissing until I was married for bragging rights).

So, tell me... does my reasonings feel valid? Or am I a monster like I think I am?

Thank you for the feedback. I didn’t know i wasn’t supposed to post anonymously... I just felt it was a private thing to post, I wanted to remain anonymous because I felt ashamed for feeling I couldn’t support a child with developmental issues. I forgot there was an Adoption Support page, I’m glad this got moved there. I saw the controversial page and thought this might have a place there. Haha. It was late at night and this subject was keeping me awake. My husband still wants to wait and see if we will have kids naturally first, even though he also has a desire to adopt. He’s thinking financially first, which is wise. He also knows that some countries have limits on who can adopt based on how many kids you have, which makes sense. When I told him about India and how girls tend to outnumber boys in the orphanages, he automatically said “okay, if our daughter is there, we’ll get her. But house first, she needs to know we got it for her.” Ya’ll, I cried.

So sad we aren’t financially there yet. I pray we can work it.