i’m sorry if it’s the wrong page for this but i’m stuck. i don’t know what i’m going through if it’s just hormones from pregnancy, being a first time mom or just regular depression.

i struggle with my mental health before pregnancy never been officially diagnosed and i know most people would just say “go get help” but i don’t know how to. i think my family and friends are tired of me crying. i been crying and feeling like this since i got pregnant and i’m due in july.I tried seeing a therapist but my insurance didn’t cover it anymore & the time before i went it wasn’t a great experience. i’m african american & i feel like they don’t really know how to relate.. at least they therapist i went to.

i don’t want to jump to medicine because i want to try to breastfeed but at this point i don’t even want to feel anything but i’m trying to try for this baby. i’m in college and i used to go to class, work, school, workout. i used to smoke, workout & a lot of self harm to make myself even feel like life is ok. i don’t workout or smoke anymore and stop working due to the pregnancy.

i didn’t get an abortion because i felt like i wouldn’t be able to handle it (mentally or emotionally) i feel like if i did it, it would have broke me - same feeling for adoption. i don’t regret not getting the abortion i regret getting myself in the situation of getting pregnant. i feel like i’m unworthy of being a mother. unworthy of love. i don’t trust myself anymore. i feel like i’m fighting myself everyday. like i have to make an effort to fight for myself and tell myself it’s ok to live and i’m tired.

i tried everything. reading, listening to music, writing, coloring. taking bubble baths. talking to fanelly and friends but it’s been hard. i’m scared that when he get here i’ll feel worse. please do not judge me it’s 5:14 am and i’m up crying. it will be literally too much to type everything i been through since pregnancy. i just don’t know what to do. yesterday i was really close to giving in & smoking