I just need to talk

So March of 2018 I had a surgical abortion. I regret this decision so much as I was never really one to be on the side of abortion when the two parties knew what they were doing.

The abortion went about as I was not in the correct spot in life. Had mental health issues that everyone pointed out, was still in college and life was just upside down. I had no one on my side to want to help me keep it. Not even the father.

Fast forward to about a year later, today. I have not been able to get pregnant since then. I’m with the same guy and we recently learned he developed colon and rectum cancer.

He also has another child. A child that came about in a very unforgiving way and as much as I am fond of the child I also can’t stand the existence of him.

No one knows what real happened with my child and my boyfriend and I are the only ones who knows. My boyfriend can’t talk to me about it and right now. I’m beyond depressed because of this. It’s my life goal to have children of my own. And the fact that we’ve been trying for a year and I’m just not getting pregnant anymore. I believe that I missed my chance and that this is my punishment. It’s to the point where I don’t even want to think about living cause what’s the point. In the end I’ll be alone and not be able to accomplish my dream.

I tell everyone, it’s like taking a rising track stars legs from them. When they’re only dream is to run in the olympics and they followed everything cautiously to a T. I’m devastated and I just needed to talk or encouraging words from ppl who have went through it. Cause it’s not the same hearing from someone who doesn’t really get it.