Recovery

I have been having a really hard time with recovery lately. I even relapsed on self harming which I have been clean from for 6 years. I had been having nightmares and flashbacks of my attack recently. My first relapse on self harm happened after being intimate with my fiance one night. We were playing around with letting him be a little more dominant. All was going well until he demanded I go down on him. I told him no, and he smacked me in the face. Not hard, or mean. Just strictly as trying something new in our sex life. Although he had never asked my feelings on it before he tried it. This brought an immediate flashback because trying to force me to go down on him was how the first rape started. I told my fiance I done- and in the moment I really was. We were in the bathroom so I sat up on the counter. But he grabbed my waist, pulled me off, turned me around, and bent me over. And I let him. I let it be. If I had been adamant about wanting to stop, I knew he would've. But I really didn't want to explain why it bothered me so much, so I let it go & let him finish. I haven't had flashbacks during sex in years, and was hoping this was a one time instance. But the night before last night when we started get down & dirty it happened again. Though he had done nothing to trigger it- I was even on top. And this time I didn't tell him to stop. Because I wanted and needed it to be him touching me instead. Even though it kept playing like a movie reel in my head. I've been fighting urges to relapse on my self harm since. But they are really bad this morning. I am seeking help. I've already started therapy. But Tuesday is only going to be my second session so it will be awhile before we get down and deep into these issues. I'm really just needing some kind words right now from people who understand this pain. I need to tell someone because the only person I have really been 100% honest with about my struggle is my mother in law- bless her beautiful soul. And I really don't want to have to come to her about my sex life with her son.