Any Advice or Guidance?
Sorry, this is going to be long.
So I was in a really toxic/manipulative/abusive relationship when I was 14. It was the first relationship I had ever been in. I fell in love with him, and equated all the maltreatment with love and am now trying to rewrite my definition of love.
Our relationship was going really well for the first couple months. He was really sweet to me. One day I felt him rub up against me when we hugged and I asked, making both of us blush. I asked what it felt like to have a penis, bear in mind I was very naive. He asked if we could go somewhere else for a minute (we were at a park by my house at the time), I agreed. We tried to hide from my family and my neighbors in a corner of the backyard. He pulled it out. He proceeded to ask me to touch it and told me it wasn't going to bite me. I finally caved in, then he kept prodding me to give him a handjob, then it progressed to putting it in my mouth, it was horrible, I had told him I wasn't sure about it and he kept telling me it would feel good. He also kept trying to put his hands down my pants, but it hurt, he wasn't really being gentle. He went home unsatisfied because he was already past curfew. When he got home, he pleaded with me for nudes, which at first I was quite against but he said something about being his girlfriend and how I was supposed to please him, so I did. I felt SO guilty. As we dated the events continued to escalate in severity. There are two events that I have flashbacks to all the time. The first was playing video games with him laying on his couch. He got handsy and kept trying to get me to go all the way with him. I told him no. But he still kept trying to do things to change my mind. At first he just slowly put his hands up my skirt which I wasn't really okay with but I was just laying on the couch, frozen and crying. I couldn't say a word. He noticed and asked if I was okay, but kept going even though I didn't answer. He eventually stopped and begged me to give him a bj, which I told him I didn't want to. He said it was the least I could do for getting him aroused and not putting out. I ended up doing it because I felt like I had no other decision, I still had tears down my face and he didn't care, just critiqued me. That evening we ended up getting into a heated argument about it because he was talking about how he at least deserved to have me, and how I wasn't being a good girlfriend. The other time was when I said I wasn't ready to have sex yet and he told me that if I didn't have sex with him he would go find some prostitute. He then carried on to say that he would just ask my sister (who at the time I had a really bad relationship with) and she would fuck him. I was so beyond hurt because he knew everything with my sister. He repeatedly used every single one of my insecurities against me. He begged me to send pictures every single day, and I did because I was so afraid of losing him. I had become somewhat dependent upon him. There were even a couple days where he didn't want pics and I was so afraid that I kept begging him to want them, I was an emotional mess. He wrecked havoc on my brain. I ended up breaking it off after a year and a half, that's just over a year of the toxic status of the relationship. We only every touched and had oral sex (though most of both were nonconsensual).
We ended up getting back together after our mutual friends were prodding us to this last fall. He kept apologizing and telling me he had changed, and I believed him. I still loved him despite what he did to me, I told myself that it was all my fault and I deserved all of it. So we got back together and went on a date where he told me a story of a guy in my class asking him why I had gotten so fat after we broke up. I was confused why he told me this but I put it together later. He wanted me to feel self conscious so he could get me to have sex with him after our date. When we didn't and I had to go get my sister, he texted me saying things couldn't be like that and he had met someone else. Yet, this last about two days and the sexting started and then we built it up and I still couldn't do it, then he told me again. This happened 4 times. One of the times was after we hadn't talked for a week and our mutual friend asked me if he had done something wrong because I had previously hung out with them both. I told him it was my ex not him. My ex was a little annoyed but acted confused and then told me how our friend had called us his divorced parents and I fell back in out of guilt. One Wednesday I went over to deliver a quick note at his house and ended up staying talking to my ex and his brother until 11:30. Then my ex and I went up to their tv room. We were talking and he read the note and I started crying. He kept saying things to make me feel better then got me to cry again. He told me I couldn't tell anyone if we did anything. I told him specifically that I wasn't going to do anything with him if we weren't going to be more than friends. I felt bad, but he was always lying to me and reassuring me. He told me that he would make things right and that he would make it work out. We ended up messing around, but it was hurting me, he couldn't even stick two fingers in without pain. I was also falling asleep. He kept trying to keep me awake, but I was drifting in and out. He kept asking if we could go further and he'd try to console me then trying to press me again. I honestly don't even know what clothing we each had off or on or if I could have had an accidental pregnancy because he wasn't careful. I don't remember. But I woke up from one of the little microsleeps to nine calls from my mom. I lied to her and told her I had fallen asleep. As I was leaving he told me we couldn't do it again. Which is funny because I'm the one that brought up his girlfriend as an issue in the first place, not him. I left crying at 4:20 in the morning. The only reason I was somewhat okay with it is because he literally reassured me that we wouldn't be just a one night stand. We had a big fight two days later and he blocked me on everything after I told him he had to tell his girlfriend everything. I still don't know if he did. But honestly, I'm worried because she seems very much his type: easily manipulated. I worry for her. If I had spoken up the first time, a friend of mine wouldn't have had similar experiences also and I feel beyond guilty about that. He used every one of my insecurities against me: my sister, my health, my baby fever, my sexuality, being fat, not being a good girlfriend, etc. I have started having ptsd like symptoms. Especially nightmares involving people I barely know violating me, and flashbacks of the more traumatic moments that replay randomly in my head in vivid detail. I get so scared of going anywhere alone or at night. I don't really have many friends anymore and I haven't had a relationship other than him, I'm afraid to honestly. I've struggled a lot with body weight and eating disorders. Inability to sleep. Always on edge. Always jumpy. I can't concentrate or sit still anymore. I spend most of the time coming up with stories in my head and day dreaming. Had a couple near hospital anxiety issues and struggles with depression. Suicidal thoughts were definitely there early on but certain events in my life have caused me to see the impact of such things on loved ones and others. I started having trouble trusting most men. I've also had a hard time sticking even a tampon in me (This is a rundown of my story and issues surrounding, too long to go in extreme depth).
Honestly the biggest problem is that the one person I want to tell is a mandatory reporter and it bothers me more that I've had to lie to them to protect someone like my ex. I had never lied to them before. They don't know it but they were the reason I got out of the relationship in the first place. I'm scared of hurting others I care about and of disappointing them or my family or friends. I wish I didn't have to keep it like some dirty secret. I also know that if I don't be honest it's going to continue eating at me and I just want to move on with my life. I want to go to therapy, but I can't if i can't say what happened. It's also hard because there is far too much that I can't say and so much more that happened that I don't have time to write on here. If anyone has advice I'd love some. Thank you for reading and I'm sorry this was so long.
I thought I'd add that I don't want to press charges so I don't want a big mess. I don't think I can confront him without having more problems and I just want to start taking steps to move on with my life because I've pretty much come to a standstill. I even stopped going to college and only working a day or two a week. I just want to be a better person for myself as I already have many health conditions and still want to have a family in the hopefully not-so-distant future.