Bad month


My husband and I have been trying since Oct 2018. And weve had absolutely nothing. This last month, we BD at the exact time of ovulation. I can always feel the sharp pain. But since we havent conceived the past few months, I didnt really figure anything would happen. Most months I obsess about every little change in my body. About baby names and the what ifs. But this month I have been totally calm and not thinking about it today is the day I'm supposed to start my period. But my cervix is high. And no period. I forgot to go buy tests. So I'm just gonna take it one day at a time.

I drank quite a bit this last month. I've been a bit careless. But now all I can think is, I'm most likely pregnant. And out of these past few months of trying and BFNs I would be heartbroken. But this month, I'm actually a bit scared of the thought of being pregnant. I do have some mental health problems. But over the years I have managed them quite well. I dont know if I am having an episode, or if I am just scared of the change, and scared of another negative.