I have been with my SO off and on for a year. Just had his baby 2 weeks ago. let me start off by saying that he has had a hard life. I wont go into details because it's not my story to tell. He has anger issues, and rightfully so when I consider his past. when we first started dating he was on steroids. My lord he could be terrible, he was physically violent with me. Emotionally manipulative. we broke up several times during these episodes. He stopped taking them. He attempted suicide back in August, after several other threats to do self harm and blaming it on me, I called his bluff and explained to him that I take no responsibility in what he decided to do with his body. He started seeing a counselor and got on meds for a few months. that didn't last long though.He moved in with me in November. he used that as an excuse to not go to sessions. Back in January I found out that he was talking to multiple females on Fb and Snapchat. I was so hurt and disgusted that I kicked him out. he was gone for about a week before I gave in and let him return. he says he has deleted all social media.Hormonal me was very afraid to be pregnant alone. Looking back I have done it alone anyway. he dosent help with anything, Bill's or otherwise. the only thing he has bought this baby is a can of formula. he has a job that he brags about and last week bought himself a thousand dollar iPad. but he conveniently forgets that I have asked for help with some of the Bill's. I am on unpaid maternity leave for the next month and am very concerned about staying afloat. I am very self sufficient and I had plenty of money saved up but 3 weeks ago I had to buy a new washer and dryer plus a new AC unit for my house. that took over half of what I had. he said that he would help but when I bring it up he gets angry and says that he is struggling to pay his own bills (car and insurance). he is always super ungrateful and very critical of everything I do. I feel like nothing is good enough. we stopped being physical my last two months of pregnancy. he said my belly was just too big. being intimate is how I show affection and love(I have my own deep seeded issues) and when I dont have that I get extremely depressed and anxious. it was the only really good part of our relationship. now it is gone bc of postpartum healing and I understand. he dosent look.at me anymore or touch me. yesterday we were going to an outdoor flea market and he wouldn't let me wear shorts. I only gained nine lbs during pregnancy and I have lost 20 in the past week. I ultimately feel disgusting and unworthy at this point. I feel like I need turtle necks and baggy pants just so he wont judge me. he wants to start a business and become a truck driver. one that is gone for 6 months out of the year. I dont want to be in a relationship like that. if I am going to be a single parent that I might as well do it all the way, plus having trust issues and him telling me about Lot Lizzards ( trucker hoes) and glory holes didnt help. I honestly dont know why I am writing this. sometimes it just helps you realize some things if you have to write it all out. I cant journal at home bc he will read it. feel free to comment, please be nice and understanding. I dont know how much more negativity I can take.