At first, I’m gonna say sorry for the long post I’m just about to write. I know it can be annoying to someone, but really need to finally write this off as it’s a very important & delicate part of me!

So, it’s been quite some time since I started developing anxiety and falling into depression. My main anxiety is health. I worry about health ALL the time. Literally. Either it’s my own, or even my beloved ones’ health. I worry a lot about them too, but find peace and believe they’re fine when watching them be happy all the time. The most of the problem is when it comes to my own personal health. I worry about everything, every possible little change in my body, everything that goes out of the ordinary. Everything that seems “unusual” from my perspective, to me, it screams ABNORMAL, or...cancer. I hate mentioning this word as much as I hate it with all my heart. My worst fear is getting cancer. I’ve literally had scares with nearly everything in my body.

• I had swollen lymph nodes and got them checked and scaned DOZENS of times and still ended up thinking it’s lymphoma. Googled about it 24/7 for months and ended up developing weird symptoms which got checked by DOZENS specialists again who said nothing, nothing is wrong. I cried myself to sleep and didn’t enjoy anything in the world for months thinking I have lymphoma. Got a sore throat & simple cold for 3 days and got myself even million times more convinced that it’s definitely it. It went away. I still worry about it sometimes.

• I slightly got a tension headache for a week as I’m constantly stressed, like 24/7, (I’m a medical student) + (the anxiety which gives me a horrible amount of stress)...but eventually ended up convincing myself it HAS to be some type of brain tumor, OR meningitis ( even though I didn’t have fever ).You can’t have a headache for a week and have no medication help for it. Visited my doctor, told me it’s 100% stress & weather changes both. I don’t even know how I stopped thinking about it, and the weather got warm and the headache went away.

• My period has changed a lot, especially in its consistency (by getting lighter) and I got extremely worried, they said stress, but it couldn’t be just stress. That’s what I thought. But, I still have lighter periods, got checked, had blood work and showed I have hormonal disbalance. High prolactin (caused by stress, they didn’t suspect a pituitary benign tumor because the elevated levels weren’t that concerning), but it still affected my period. Also I had high stress hormone level (cortisol). Made sense. My anxiety was so bad and UNCONTROLABLE that I even ended up thinking I somehow got pregnant from my boyfriend even though I never had sex.

Now, I even think I’ll end up infertile from the hormone problems I’m having.

• Both of my armpits hurt in a mild way sometimes which lead me to thinking I may have or get breast cancer.

• I have a mole on my left breast which is not big but I’ve had that since I was a kid ( now I’m 19 ). I searched for pictures when I was younger and noticed that when I was 12 and still didn’t have my breasts grown it was smaller. I panicked. It GREW and it has to be something, that’s where melanoma showed into the game. Showed it to my doctor and also showed the pictures for years in a row. It was all simple sense to her. My breasts grew, THAT’s what actually happened. It’s been the same for years now, it’s normal.

• Since I’m studying ( I try to, as my anxiety literally begs me to fall down and cry all day long), I’ve been studying about viruses lately and there comes HPV, something realted to the C word I hate the most. I’m a virgin, and my boyfriend’s a virgin too. He’s never had sexual contact with anyone before, all he did with his ex was kissing. The most we’ve done is oral. I shocked and falled into a panick attack which made me drop my books and drop myself crying.

I now ended up believing that I may have HPV with maybe the high risk strain and will end up developing the dangerous thing. I try to calm down, he never had sex, he never touched a vagina with either his penis, his mouth, or even his hand BEFORE me. But what if he got it by kissing and passed it to me. I have even been ignoring him and hating him for the past few days. I just can’t stand the fact of it happening. I’m not close enough to my mom to talk about these things but she reassured me that I’m fine and that I need to calm down.

I just feel so tired by all of this and I just can’t find a way to end this. It’s been SO MUCH and it’s taken most of my happiness and passions away. It got so bad and devastating to the point it sounds ridiculous. I just don’t want anything to be wrong and just live a normal happy life. Finish university, work, plan a family.

I want me to get back to the ME I was before. I miss her a lot😞. She was way better, succesful and stronger. I even made my family so sad and stressed about me. They’ve taken me to doctors everyday and been there for me everytime. Helped me and offered me everything they could give. I just love them and hope they’re always healthy and happy😞❤️.

I’ve been having therapy sessions with a psychologist but they didn’t help any. I was also put on medications by a psychiatrist which did help a little but it comes back so easily...i just can’t. I’m tired.

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I don’t have many friends (3-4) and they don’t understand, I tried explaining it to them and they just passed the “ try and not think about it” phrase. I didn’t even bothered anymore. I needed to write it out & share by hopefully finding someone who went through the same as me and found a way to AT LEAST manage it. Sorry again for the long post and thanks to those who took the time to read it!