But maybe I do, and in case anyone else needs to hear it...

there’s nothing in this world that can keep you from being happy except yourself. Even after trying so many times after so many years you need to be able to help yourself. Even if you need a friend to help you, you made the decision to talk to them so you’re still helping yourself.

Here’s my story....

In 2010 my brother was charged for sexual misconduct with a minor which is something I’d rather not get into but I’m fully aware that the whole situation was only a form of attack on my family for a green card. He ended up having to do 10 years of probation and having to do the usual sexual predator stuff. This took a huge toll on every single member of my family. Including me. He had to drop out of college and stay home and he became a huge alcoholic and supper depressed. Fast forward 3 years later I was out at a party no one was home but my brother and my dad and I got a phone call urging me to come home. I find out my dad was shot and killed in front of my house for no apparent reason. My dad was loved by everyone and had no known enemies. He went out of his way to help everyone he could including strangers. All I could ever think and say was I never told him I loved him, and I never thanked him for everything he’s done. I couldn’t help but blame myself for what happened that night bc had I not gone out he wouldn’t have been outside and it wouldn’t have happened to him. After that faithful day my mental health took a turn. I was put in a spot where I at 17 years old had to take care of my family. I had to help my mom pay bills I helped her cook and feed my brother Bc he couldn’t get a job. Eventually the hardest thing was graduating high school bc all I had was my mother brother and sister. I didn’t have my dad to lean on and I didn’t have my dad to stand there and finally tell me how proud he was of me. I went to college and became a raging alcoholic. I got blacked out drunk every single chance I got and I didn’t care about anything. My grades reflected that. I would sleep 2 days straight and I would be awake 3 days maybe. After falling out so bad I dated a girl who helped me better myself. But in that same relationship i was only getting worse. She wanted no one to know we were dating so after three years of her telling me she didn’t know if she wanted to be with me forever I finally got out. At this point my mom had turned her back on my brother and sister. She moved in with her boyfriend and left my brother and sister to fend for themselves. Not paying the rent for our house, not paying the electric bill not paying the water bill literally left us for dead. I had to work two jobs and run on 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep every single day till I returned to college for another semester. Eventually I couldn’t afford college anymore so I had to drop out. Now I work a part time job with getting paid 9.90$ the hour with no benefits and my health is declining. My sister and I both have a thyroid problem that almost turned to cancer. I’m 15k$ in debt and not just from college but from medical expenses as well. I apparently don’t qualify for Medicaid. So now I’m at the stage in my condition where I’ve lost so much weight I’m scared to stand on a scale Bc I was 114lbs and I’m sure I’ve lost at least 34 lbs. the beginning of 2019 couldn’t have been better either. I was stayin with my girlfriend and her family Bc I refuse to move in with my mother. In January of this year the house caught fire and we lost everything. Beloved memories, pets, and all the clothes we had left gone. lately due to all this mess I’ve wanted nothing more than for my life to just be over. Maybe I deserve some piece of happiness. I thought maybe I would be at my happiest if I meet my dad and get to be with him again. So I texted my best friend and I told her everything I’ve felt in the past 5 months. And she told me I only have myself to rely on and sometimes I’m gonna be down in the dumps but I should always work on bettering myself. I’ve come to realize that after going through everything that I’ve been through. It’s not my time to give up. And I need to be an example for what I want people to believe and I want people that believe that no matter what, you should NEVER let anything ruin you. You should NEVER let life’s challenges keep you on the floor. You should always fight for yourself. Because at the end of the day no matter how mad someone is at you or how much you hate everything it wouldn’t be okay to let those you love have to endure the lose of you. The lose of someone that is irreplaceable to them can damage them more than you know. SO KEEP ON PUSHING FOR A BETTER YOU AND FOR A BETTER TOMORROW. Continue to love yourself and others deeply.

Sincerely,

The 22 year old girl who never gave up.