TTC for 18 months now. Tested for PCOS 3 times over the course of a year and finally confirmed on the third try 2 months ago.

At first it felt like we could maybe work around the PCOS because we knew what the demon was and how to treat it, but first round of Femara proved pointless without ovulation. I’m taking my second round of Provera to get a period and start the cycle again but I just feel so hopeless.

I think the depression is starting to get bad again. I just feel like a waste of space. I feel unattractive, useless. I’m always grumpy and always tired so I feel like a fat lump.

On top of all this I got mononucleosis AGAIN, even though it’s only supposed to have symptoms once and you just “have it” the rest of your life. So then I’m extra tired from this and keep having cold symptoms for weeks every time I try to work out.

There is so much that needs to get done around the house and for work before I go on a trip at the end of the month. The to do list is stressing me, my husband is working 70 hours at his job the next 2 weeks and can’t help, and it’s not even a leisure trip.

We are going to visit a close friend and my BIL to see both of their brand new babies 😭😭 and then a family reunion, where I’m sure my MIL (who is very sweet and caring) will try to give me more health advice because she knows her son wants to be a father and wants me to be a healthy mother “when we start trying.” She has no idea we’ve been having trouble and how hard we’ve been trying already.

Sometimes it really does feel like I’m not meant to be here and I’m just taking up space. Always feeling like a constant failure at work, with friends, and now my body can’t even do what it’s supposed to do. What’s the point?

Needed a good cry and getting these thoughts off my chest really helped. Going to talk to my doc on Friday about meds for depression again, but I’m pretty sure that won’t make TTC any easier. If you stuck around this far, thanks for reading.

TL;DR

I’m feeling like a fat waste of space who can’t conceive and is always sick. Maybe I’m just not meant to be a mom. 😞