Dear first time mummies and daddies suffering with PPD
It's easy for everyone to tell you that it gets better, it takes time but in your mind you cant help but question it.
I was 19 when I found out i was pregnant with my little boy, 20 when I had him and pretty much enjoyed my pregnancy. I had a strict birth plan and after plan.
Unfortunately I had to be induced, 3 days of labour, failed forceps delivery and a failed epidural and then an emergency section. To top it off I got sepsis.
No one prepares you for when things dont go to plan, no one prepares you for what can happen after.
There I was laying in bed, looking at a baby that felt alien to me. It felt as though the baby I carried for 9 months was gone and there was this tiny human in my arms that I felt like it didnt know.
I felt no connection to him. I was scared, exhausted, frightened and in pain and all I wanted to do was run, and keep running.
Everyone said things would get easier, just be patient, but I knew that something was wrong, I didnt want to be alive anymore, I didnt want to be me anymore.
I made the decision to see the doctor and she quickly diagnosed me with PPD, it was hard. It felt like I failed. I felt so guilty.
For months it was difficult, I kept wondering when I would have these overwhelming feelings of love that everyone spoke about.
But you see it doesnt always work like that. I know now that theres no shame in it.
Only now my son is nearing 8 months am I feeling these overwhelming feelings, only now am I starting to feel normal, only now am I enjoying being a mother.
It is hard. It is heartbreaking.
See the doctor. Talk to friends family or support groups. Dont be ashamed to talk because it was only when I started talking that things started getting better.
Dont be afraid to ask for help with the baby, or for someone to cook you a meal, dont feel bad about the mess.
Here's my boy